I'm posting quite regularly because, i'll be honest, dysphoria is kicking my non existent butt... I apologies for all the ranting that i do but i like to vent my emotions, plus posting things and being constructive helps me to not feel like such a useless waste of flesh.
Being fairly new to the blog i decided recently to look back on some old posts made by the other sweethearts, most of them were nice things about movies and make up (Then we get to my depressive shit) but i happened to stumble upon a post Bri made on selfies, compliments and low-self esteem. I'll be honest it hit me square in the heart. Not only because I've suffered with low-self esteem and a hatred for my body, but because she suffered with it. If there's one thing i hate in this life it's the suffering of others. I couldn't care less about myself, i put everyone else before me because they can bring something to this world and that is reason enough for them to succeed and to have faith in themselves.
Hell it's why i dedicated myself to helping people with mental illnesses. Low self esteem, depression, anxiety you name it. I intend to become a clinical Psychiatrist so i can help people cope with these illnesses because they are valuable to society. YOU ARE VALUABLE TO SOCIETY!!! AND DON'T YOU DARE FORGET IT!!!
Anyway this wasn't where i intended to go with this post, I'll likely revisit the topic of suicide several times in the future. The main goal of this post was to address the same topic that Bri did. SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS. (this post will focus on women but i'll follow it with a mans one soon)
I hate societal expectations. If they didn't exist i wouldn't be the freak that mothers shelter their children from. Today i went to the shops, all i wanted to do was get some coloring pens. A simple task, all a girl wants to do is draw. But lo behold as i walked into the shop, i heard a child ask it's mother, "Mummy, is that a boy or a girl?" A simple and innocent question, curiosity is in a child's nature. The reply, however, not so innocent. "That is a man dressed as a woman, it's disgusting and perverted!!"
I was seen as nothing more than a man with a fetish in that moment... I brought the coloring pens and left quickly, i kept my head down the whole way home. All i'll say was that by the end of the ordeal my mascara was ruined.
I have lived my life as both a man and a woman, an experience very few can say they've lived. Let me tell you that as a woman, society puts the weight of a thousand planets on the shoulders of women!! You must be flawless, if not, the large majority of society will fuck you over.
Women have to shave their legs, their under arms, their downstairs, some choose to do their face and arms. Women have to have flawless, flowing locks of hair that cascades down their back. Women have to be flawless in their makeup; eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, foundation, blusher, bronzer, concealer, primer, lipstick, lip liner. Women have to have plucked and shaped eyebrows that are penciled to perfection. Women must be under a certain dress size, have huge boobs and a big butt!!
I'm here to tell you that those expectations can get FUCKED!!! I'm am by no means a perfect girl, in fact i'm not biologically a girl. I shave my legs, i shave my under arms, my arms and my downstairs. But i cut myself up so bad. Some days i don't shave because my legs hurt to bad!! Doesn't make me any less of a woman.
My hair is not long and luscious. Its not even to my shoulders. It's a bob that comes just below my jaw line. It's not long and wavy or shiny like in the shampoo commercials. It's straight, the ends are split and it often ends up in my mouth. Doesn't make me any less of a woman.
My make up is by no means flawless!! My foundations is patchy and my stubble shows. The eye shadow is nominal at best. I can't do eye liner. My mascara often ends up all over my face before i'm done. My blusher is very inconsistent. I don't bother contouring because i don't have any bronzer. I don't conceal and i don't prime my face. My lipstick skills are poor and i have to try five times a day before i'm happy. Lip liner, i don't even bother trying. I look like a five year old that's just raided it's mothers make up for the first time on most days, but i'll be damned if i'm not a woman!!
My Eyebrows, aren't plucked. Haven't got around to it yet. There still incredibly masculine, thick and bushy. Still a woman though. My dress size is twelve to fourteen. I'm not a size zero, and i couldn't give two shits!! I'm still a woman. My boobs don't even exist, i don't yet take hormones and because of the testosterone flowing through my body, fat doesn't go to my Butt.
Women these days seem to crave a thigh gap, it's all well and good if you don't want thick thighs, be you honey, but me i hate my thigh gap!! i want thick thighs that touch and make me look like your average woman. That doesn't make me any less of a woman for saying i'm not gonna make myself look like a super model.
Ladies, i'll tell you right now from the bottom of my heart. Don't worry. And please for the love of God, do not starve yourself of self harm because your not societies perfect image of femininity. I'll tell you a fact I've never shared with anyone. I starved myself... I didn't eat during the day, i had a dinner and that was it. Do you know why, because i had a slight pot belly. A fucking pot belly!! I starved myself because i wasn't the ideal woman... OF COURSE I FUCKING WASN'T, I'M A FUCKING BIOLOGICAL MALE, THE FUCK DID I EXPECT!!! So i didn't eat for days, and i starved myself, and i turned down meals all because i wasn't what society said was ideal... I dropped to 7.1 stone. I got sick. Real fucking sick. and it took years to recover. I still haven't fully recovered yet. I'm now 8.4 stone, but my stomach shrank. I can just about manage 2 slices of pizza before i feel like being sick. I doubt i'll be able to eat as much as i used to ever again.
It was a vicious cycle. I felt disgusting so i didn't eat. I got sick because i didn't eat so i ate. I then felt disgusting because i ate so i starved myself. At one point death felt more preferable to that style of existence. But by some luck i pulled through, and now i'm the woman i have become today.
So Ladies, be you. Don't detox or starve or self harm because you don't look like some bimbo on the front of a vogue magazine because your incredible just the way you are. In your eyes you may not be but in someone else you are. I know a girl who has many insecurities with herself. In her eyes she may not be perfect but to me she is in every way imaginable!! In someones eyes you are fucking beautiful and that is reason enough to keep on fighting!! That is reason enough to live as who you are!!
I hate my body because it is the body of a man. But i made a promise to my friend, she told me to get the surgery, to be DROP DEAD GORGEOUS and FUCKING SLAY!!! And that is some of the greatest advice I've ever received!! So i slap on my shitty make up and i put on my bra for my non existent tits because i made that promise and i will live my life as a beautiful woman. Because society will judge me for being me but i'll tell you something from the bottom of my heart. It's a fuck tonne better than living a lie...
Ladies society is a waste of time. Stop living for people you don't even fucking know, and start living for yourself, Here is a quote from Bri's post which i believe sums it all up better than i ever could...
"But that's not the worst part of this. The worst part is that the expectation is never absolute. Society wants us to be pretty, but calls us shallow when we obsess over our eyebrows, and feel sick after seeing the scale tick up one more notch. Society wants us to be smart, but mocks us when we turn up to class yawning, with dark, sleepless circles under our eyes and our hair unbrushed from a night of studying. Society wants us to be party girls, sexy and promiscuous, but when we get drunk they tut and turn away quietly. They want us to be meek and modest, but when we stay virgins they laugh and call us prude. And all of this is contributing to a damaging psyche. A psyche that says "whatever you do it's not going to be right, so don't do anything at all."
How in the fuck could a girl expect to live up to these doubles standards. I'll tell you right now she can't because i fucking tried to. So before you starve yourself or do any lasting damage to that gorgeous body of yours. Don't even bother living up to what society says is ideal. Because if society was ideal, there would be no expectations.
And if you have unfortunately self-harmed or starved or done anything to yourself, Then don't for one second feel bad. Because you got past it, you fucking walked the line and guess what honey, you fucking beat it. If that's not a reason to go on living i don't know what is. Because now you can take all the more care with that beautiful body of yours. If not for yourself than for me because i'm a single lesbian and you might be my first sweetheart you glorious woman you.
So ladies i want you to get up when your ready and go to a mirror. I want you to look yourself dead in the eyes and say to yourself. "I'm fucking beautiful, i'm perfect the way i am." Then i want you to take a selfie and post it somewhere, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter whatever your preference is. Every like you get, someone thinks you look great. That's proof your perfect to someone. Even if you don't get likes it just means someones to shy to say they think your beautiful. Then to finish it all off i want you to treat yourself. Do whatever makes you happy, sing, buy a pair of shoes, eat ice cream. Do whatever makes you smile and FUCKING LIVE!!
So ladies here i am, i am by no means a perfect woman, but a woman i am!! I intend to live everyday of my life to the full because beneath all that dysphoria, all the depression and the anxiety, beneath the eating disorders and the lack of self-esteem. Beneath it all, because of it all. I almost denied myself the chance to live. And that is something you should never even consider. should you end it or focus on changing yourself into societies perfect woman. You'll never have the chance to flourish. Had i ended it, i would never have become the woman i truly am, i would have died a man and been remembered as one. I would have been remembered as a lie.
So Ladies learn from my mistakes and live, flourish in society because i guaran-DAMN-tee that you will do incredible things for this world, you'll raise some children, you'll marry the love of your life and guess what, they'll think your perfect just the way you are. So at the end of it all fuck society. We don't need bullshit expectations anyway.
If you take one thing away from this post today... Don't make yourself suffer chasing an ever changing idea of perfection, because you'll chase it till the day you die, and you'll have never lived.
This is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, a far from ideal woman, reminding you,
I'm With You Till The End of The Line, Folks
XOXO
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