Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,
Back again with my third post on this blog and once again we're moving back into the region of sad and depressing thoughts and feelings, I really lower the mood when it comes to the blog and I've only been here for three weeks!!!
This is not really going to be coherent and i'm pretty much just thought tracking so apologies for the incoherent babble that is about to follow this sentence.
As your all aware i'm a MTF Trans-Woman and i'm pre-op, meaning I've still got a piece of flash in between my legs. Which would be all well and good if it weren't for my sexuality... I'm attracted to Women making me a lesbian. This is were most of my dysphoria comes from, I often spend days at a time wondering if it's possible for me to ever find love in my current state?
As a Lesbian Trans-Woman it is pretty much impossible for me to find love in today's society. Straight women won't date me because i'm a cross dresser, I present as a woman, even then if they could get past the way I dress, i'll cause them to question their sexuality. Are they still straight because I am biologically Male or are they Lesbian because I present as a woman. Society will see them as Lesbian before and after I transition. Something a straight girl will not want, that kind of stigma is to damaging to form the basis of a relationship on.
Lesbian women won't want to date me because I still have that useless piece of flesh between my legs. This makes me a man biologically and due to this fact, no lesbian women would want me. Then even if I do transition, will they date me because i used to be a male. i will never be able to bear a child and that is a fact that would put off quite a lot of women.
Bisexual people are unlikely to want to date me because of the aforementioned stigma attached to Trans people. Dating someone like me tends to result in a damaged reputation, an unsafe environment and having derogatory insults thrown at them. Something no human being deserves or needs, leaving them out of the question in a relationship.
Finally because i am a Lesbian not even the Transvestic fetishists will want to touch me, nor would i want to touch them, that defeats the concept of my sexuality.
The saddest part for me is I still form attachments, I've grown to really like this girl at school over these past years, I often feel like she's the only one I can talk to about my gender identity and still feel comfortable in doing so. Yet due to her sexuality and the fact that i'm a TRANS-Woman, she will likely never want to date me, leaving me often feeling very alone.
The feeling is likely going to stay with me forever, it seems at this point in time that love is something out of my reach but unfortunately I cannot stop myself from loving anymore than I can stop the sun from rising in the morning.
Once again I apologize for the depressing nature of this post, but these thoughts have been playing on my mind for a long time now and I felt like I had to get them off of my chest, hopefully ease the dysphoria.
Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual signing off :') XOXO
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