Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,
I'm going to be posting a bit more regularly now as it is the six weeks holiday here in the UK and i have nothing to do. Plus it helps me to vent emotions among other things because i am an unsociable creature who lacks any form of people skills so your my ranting buddy!!
I think you're all familiar with my depressing style of writing and my poor choice of topics, for an otherwise beautifully happy blog, and this week is no different. I'm going to talk about some of my life experiences both past and recent ones so buckle up because this might get rambly AF.
My life has been a rickety one to say the least. I've had my fair share of sadness in my life if i'm honest i would say life has been cruel and unfair to me. I've had more than i deserve but then again so have most people i know.
My father left me at a young age, the ripe old age of 7 to be precise, no warning or apology. He just up'ed and left, never to be seen again. That kicked my ass believe me. Then as i moved up to Secondary School i developed crippling anxiety. I was broken, i couldn't socialize, i couldn't talk, i had an average of five panic attacks a day and 90% of my day was spent crying. That happened solidly for two years until i some how managed to recover. Even then i had no friends and couldn't correctly socialize. I still can't to be honest, i make inappropriate comment and often try to hard to fit in. As a side note to anxiety i had mild depression. The two illnesses go hand in hand so that wasn't fun by any means. I have learnt to control my anxiety and as such my depression is all but gone, I still relapse though, this week saw my anxiety relapse harder than it normally does, Hello Insomnia!!
I was free of difficult life events for a while after my anxiety disappeared in year 9. It wasn't until late into year ten (i was 15 close to 16 at the time) that i truly began to question my gender. i had always felt a lot more feminine i just never really thought about it until i learned of transgenderism through the internet and it all sort of clicked into place. I of course told my friends who all took it well and then i told my family who didn't take it so well, but i'll explain that later. Any way that was one of scariest times of my life only rivaled by one other form of experience.
So one of the scariest times in my life happened at the start of September 2014, one of my closest friends developed extreme depression. we Skyped almost everyday so i began to see changes in her behaviour. She eventually told me she had been diagnosed with depression and that's when it went down hill. I spent every waking moment at school researching depression and cures, self help methods the lot. All in an attempt to help her. I put my grades and school work aside with the mentality that Grades can be saved, replaced. A life cannot. I stayed up to three in the morning with her almost every night just talking to her. i was her shoulder to cry on as she drowned in her sorrows and no matter what i did nothing ever came from it. I actually helped her and she began to improve but every time she did something came along and shattered the progress we had made and we were right back to square one. I truthfully cannot express the emotions i felt on those nights because i don't know any words to describe it. I didn't know emotions like the ones i felt existed until those dark days. I often went to school or two work spending the entire day wondering if she would be there when i got back. She often self harmed and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions when we talked.
I cannot tell you how unbelievably dark and strange it is to sit and watch someone you care about breakdown and give up on life before your very eyes. How they genuinely believe that it would be better to die than keep on suffering. But your powerless to do anything. You can't hug them or hold them you can only sit there and talk to them through i computer because they live on the opposite side of the country to you. That is an experience i would not wish upon the worst of human beings. In that instant i became an atheist, i still am to this day. I knew there was no God and never could have been one. No, a God would not let that happen to any human being, especially not one so kind and bubbly. I will never worship any deity so long as i live because religion is nothing more than a cruel fiction.
I believe she got over her depression eventually and i pray she never relapses. A while after that i came out publicly as transgender and began to live my life as the woman i always knew i was. I dressed in public and enjoyed life. I can thankfully say that everyone i know at school is supportive of me and i can transition safely around those i love. Unfortunately we have had some difficulties with people using my birth name instead of my new name and referring to me by male pronouns but, with time, i believe we will improve. I'll just have to keep reminding them.
On top of this, however, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. My family doesn't really support me, My grandparents think my identity to be nothing more than a phase, my mother thinks that i am outright psychologically damaged and that i should be cured thus restoring my masculinity and my sister is outright trans phobic. So i'll struggle on not knowing wear i might end up should i transition.
Anyway recently i went to an end of year party with some of my best friends. We had a lovely time and got drunk beyond belief but as the night went on some emotions came to the surface. And sadly one of my friends had a rather sad story to tell some of us. Something i never knew about her. I didn't her much and i have no right to ask her to tell me or to share her story on her. All i will say is that i really did hit close to home with me. I shared some of her experiences and i know what can happen as a result of those experiences. Hell i lived it all, brought the t-shirt and had to go back for round 2.
And seeing what happened to her and hearing what i did with her story really got me scared, because i can't see what happened to my Skype friend happen to her.
But among all the sadness that night, she gave me some of the best advice I've ever received. She said to me "Get the surgery. Be drop dead Gorgeous. And FUCKING slay!!!" Words i now live my life by. Words that i have framed on my wall because it is the best way for me to lead my life. I will be gorgeous and i will slay because i can and i have the right to. I made that promise lying on the kitchen floor of my friends house at three in the morning but i'll keep it. I made a promise to her and i owe it to her to keep it. I'm a woman of my word.
So at the end of all this crap what i'm trying to say is that i'll go on living my life, and i'll fight a war for 2 because i can take it. I'm still standing here today after everything life has put me through. So while life may be a cruel mistress, I'm the baddest Bitch around and i can give a good as i get!! So while my friends may suffer, while they may be sad, while they struggle to cope with the cruelties of life I'll stand right by their side and I'll "fucking slay" because i know what it means to go through all that suffering and all that heart ache. I'll hold their hand through it all no matter the cost because i cannot, No, I refuse to stand by and watch what happened to me, Happen to them. So guess what life, do your worst, Cos this bitch will come right back at you with the everything she's got!!!
Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual saying, I'm with you till the end of the Line, folks. As Bri would say XOXO
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