Happy New Year and All that stuff XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I'm actually posting on a Thursday, would you look at that! And the New Years looming on the horizon, it must be some end of day's miracle.

"We interrupt your scheduled ranting to bring you a happy and nice post"
That's right people, i'm not ranting!! Okay, hold the cheers for a second i know it's a miracle but i figured we should start off the New Year with some positivity. So i have a nice download on my life and my movements forward into 2016.

    I'll start of with the trend of this "New Year, New Me" rubbish. People claiming to change and exercise and make a genuine difference to their life in the new year. Most of the time it's rubbish, yet i regret to inform you that i have fallen victim to this trend.
    That's right. Thanks to Bri i have decided to get in decent shape and try to become slightly sexy. Me and her have begun to do varying exercise routines. I have recently begun a diet which is high in estrogen which should help my figure when combined with an exercise plan to give me an hourglass figure. On top of that i've started running regularly. New Year, New Me? More like New Year, New pair of Legs please!!
    I've decided to start exercising because; 1) I am very unhealthy and could probably benefit from the exercise. 2) I'd like to be somewhat sexy, something i am not at the moment. 3) I am slowly beginning to transition and i'd like to have the figure to match the body by the time i've got all the surgery.

Linking on from this topic, In January i have an appointment for Social Anxiety and Depression. Basically their gonna assess me and see how i am and then refer me for treatment. Which should, hopefully improve my social skills. I will also have my second appointment at the Gender Clinic in April which is a very exciting step for me and if all goes well, i'll be onto the Real Life Application phase of my transition which is BIG.

I have also recently begun to watch Steven Universe, a quirky little TV show that has some brilliant humor in it and some very catchy songs to boot. i am very much enjoying the show and have nearly finished it. This has also lead me to join a group of Cosplayers with my Friend. Cosplaying is something i've always wanted to do for fun, i just never had the money. Now i do i figured why not join a group and go for it. The people in the group are very lovely and i look forward to Cosplaying with them in the future and actually meeting them in person. We plan to do a Steven Universe cosplay as a group, where i will be the character Peridot. Needless to say i am very excited!!

I have also recently decided to begin playing guitar again. I wasn't very good to begin with but i had some insensitive jerk destroy my confidence because i messed up a song in performing arts and he never let it go. I have decided to begin playing again and just ignore his comments. I'm gonna play for me not for the world. Hopefully i'll be good enough to play some Paramore songs or some Heavy Metal. Probably not.

I have also begun to get back into reading again. I have recently started reading the works of H.P. Lovecraft. I am very impressed by his works. Some of the horror stories still chill me now, even though they were written in the 1920's!!! I can see why they call this man the father of moral horror. When i'm done i also have some books on stand by. I have the next book in my Warhammer 40k series which is a 46 book saga, so i have some material to keep me occupied. I plan to also reread To Kill a Mockingbird and it's sequel Go Set a Watchman. Two fantastic books.

I guess you could say i have a fun filled 2016 ahead of me, at least i think so. Hopefully i'll actually get somewhere in the coming year. Anyway, to all of you, Happy New Year to you all, don't get to drunk and make sure you spend the night responsibly (all that crap). And i guess i'll see you all in the new year.

This is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, saying, On Behalf of the Seven Sweethearts, Happy New Year, see you all in 2016 you beautiful people!! 

XOXO

Time for a rant... sorry it comes on Christmas but it works with my life XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

First and foremost, if you celebrate any festivals or holidays around this time, i hope you have a wonderful time surrounded by those you love most in this world. Love is the most beautiful thing in this world and i sincerely hope you have the pleasure of experiencing it this month. To all those who have no one to spend this time of the year with, i send my love to you, we can celebrate together in spirit.
I'll pre-warn you and say that i'm sorry in advance for the rant that i'm about to go on but i need to get some stuff off my chest. This will probably post on Christmas day but i'm writing it in advance because i probably won't have internet around Christmas because people will expect me to spend it with my family (topic of today's rant) so if you are in some form of happy and festive mood i suggest you click away now and wait until the festivities are over, lest i dampen your mood, something i sincerely hope not to do. I am writing this at 11:50pm on December 22. So it's 2 days prior to christmas (just about) so forgive the unfestive nature of this post.

Family. A group of people who you are likely connected to through genetics and emotional bonds. These people are supposed to make you feel special. Supposed to make you feel on top of the world because they should strive for you to achieve. Often i find this not to be the case. Family is often a notion that is broken and mutilated in today's world.
I'm here to tell you that you owe NOTHING to your family or any form of blood relation. Especially if they make you feel like shit and treat you without any respect.

I lost half my family when i was seven. My "Father" was an abusive man who beat my mum in front of my two year old self. He subjected my mum to emotional abuse for years and then packed up his shit and fucked off without even saying goodbye to me or even my sister. He took everything from me when i was seven. I often spend time at night wondering if he's the reason i'm pretty messed up? Why i have no sense or comprehension of morality. Why i have chronic anxiety. Why i'm Transgender. I owe him nothing. I'm connected to him through genetics but nothing more. He was a cruel and vindictive man and i often lay awake at times thinking upon ways to end his life. If anything i owe it to the world to end him and make the world a fraction of a better place. (That would be the mercenary side of me speaking, except i'd happily kill that man for fucking free!!!!).

So i lost one half of my family in an instant without any chance to say goodbye, worst part, i actually loved some of the family i had on that side. Having them taken from me in the space of a day without the chance to say my final goodbyes was like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
So of course me and my sister were solely raised by my mum for the most part of our lives. And i like to think she's done a damn good job, despite our hiccups. But shit started to decline when i came out as Transgender. As i slowly moved forward, edging closer and closer to womanhood, she stayed back in the time before i came out. She kept calling me by my male pronouns and my male name. I forgave her to begin with because i chalked it up to her still learning. Now after almost half a year as a woman, every use of my male name is like a knife in the throat, and each time i want to cry.

My Grandparents are fun to (SARCASM!!). They wanted, my mum, sister and I to travel down to there's for christmas. I was all for it, see the family i've grown up around and be happy (Even though my mum and I don't celebrate christmas for different reasons). I was excited at first, then came the one condition. I have to be a man, i have never felt more like shit than in that moment. My family stated that it would make everyone more comfortable at christmas. EVERYONE BUT ME!!! This i were i reaffirm that you owe your family nothing. My family reduced me to one of the saddest, most dysphoric forms purely because it would make christmas easier.

The worst part for me is the guilt i often feel. As a person who grew up in a small family, i am deeply attached to everyone in my family. So when i snap at my mum because she called me by my old name, and she hits me with the sob story of how she's trying to adjust and get my name right, i sit there and feel bad because i snapped at the woman who single handedly raised me. I ignore all the times she devalued my identity and said it was just a phase, or some form of childhood trauma. And somehow i'm the villian of a crime i didn't even commit. Or when i get upset because my Grandparents want me to be something i'm not, they tell me to do it for the rest of the family. I feel guilty because i feel as though i owe it to these people to make sure that i make them happy as they made me happy. But at what self cost do i go to to ensure happiness. When is the debt paid?
So like i said, you owe nothing to your family. There is no obligation to ensure that you play by their rules. Especially if they are cruel or malicious towards you.

I hope that i will be able to heal the wounds caused by my family because, deep down, i know i still love them. But i know for some people this is not the case, and some wounds can't be healed. So if a membe of your family has driven you to feel hatred towards them. Don't feel bad, i have heard stories from some of my closest friends about incidents with their family, and i know in their position i would feel hatred. My one piece of advice is don't hold onto the hatred, that emotion destroys you more than the person you direct that hate at. I know that for a fact. And don't let the hate make you feel guilty. Sometimes, family isn't truly family.

So while i must spend christmas with my family, as an awkward shadow of my former self. I'm sure that their is some hope to be had out their for all of us. I will suffer through christmas because i know that when i return to my lipstick and pencil skirts. My friends will be their for me. And i guess that's what keeps me going at the moment. The beautiful, incredible, wonderful, glorious (the list could go on for several pages, seriously) people i get the privilege of calling my friends. I love each one of them more than i could put into words, even if i do fail at being a friend sometimes.

Anyways, enough ranting for today, i feel a bit better for that rant already. Until next time, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off and saying please stay safe while you celebrate at this time of the year. I'd like to see you all safe and sound in 2016 please. 

XOXO

Morality... a funny little construct XOXO

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I'm back again for another post. This one, unlike my prior two, will be back to exploring controversial topics and how my views on them are ones that will likely offend the cast majority of people (sorry in advance).

When i was younger, and i used to be a man, i wanted to be a mercenary. "Why on earth would you want to be that!?" I hear you cry. Because it could be defined as easy money, Blood money, but nonetheless easy if you know what you are doing. "How Immoral" people often say when i disclose this former career choice, and to be honest they are right. I was, for about 7 years, perfectly comfortable with the idea of putting a bullet through someones head for a couple of grand. Why wouldn't i want too!? It would take me a year to get that much money in a standard job when i could get it in a week at the expense of several magazines of ammo and the travel to which ever part of the world. I could retire at thirty and live in some great house with a nice car and everything i could ever want.

A lot of people also ask me why i didn't just join the military and do that kind of thing legally. This leads me onto the main topic of debate in today's post. Rules and morals. I hated the concept of military service because there are to many rules. And let me tell you something kiddo, rules get you killed.

This was a topic of debate between me and my friends several weeks ago which became somewhat heated. (I hope i didn't upset any of them.) I wanted to argue that rules in war are pointless when the enemy has no rules. My friends, being the beautifully moral people they are (i love that aspect of them, never ceases to make me smile), defended the concept of rules because they keep barbarity and chaos to a minimum, their prime example was the attempted genocide of the Jewish people by the Nazi's in WWII. Arguably this is true and such an atrocity should never, ever be allowed to happen again, but when we are fighting and enemy like Daesh, who have no rules or sense of morality. We continue to lose troops and ground because we have to obey rules.

I wanted to be a mercenary because i could be as brutal and as cruel as i deemed necessary to ensure i survived and the job was done. In the military if we were clearing an area and some enemy fighters had surrendered, we would need to keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't attack us from behind. In my mercenary eyes, i would simply put a bullet in them and move on or "interrogate" them, kill them and then move on. I could do what no military could because they are bound by human rights and the geneva convention. But when we look at Daesh, these are people who deserve no human rights because they are not humans, they are animals, and should be slaughtered as such. A military couldn't hunt and kill them because it is immoral and cruel. A mercenary could hunt and kill them, torture those they know for information and make examples out of them. Spread fear through there ranks like a disease. A group of PMC's could do so much more than a group of soldiers could because they aren't forced to stick to rules made by men who have never seen combat in their life, not to mention the fact that the rules are outdated and applied to wars from the early 1900's.

HELL think what a group of government sanctioned mercenaries could do, given diplomatic immunity and the means to do what an army couldn't and you could bring down any regime with a snap of your fingers. Then just attribute the success to your "brilliant" military genius and tactics. Then keep them on the payroll, when history refuses to co-operate, we make it.

Of course this is only my view on the matter. It is highly unlikely i'll be a mercenary any time soon. I haven't had any training and don't have the means to get military grade weaponry and body Armour. I'd have to be Bruce Wayne to afford something like that. And then there is the fact that i cry at almost any sad movie and care to much about my friends to go out with a gun in my hand and ruthlessly kill any who stand in my way.
But the basis is still there, for seven years i did want to be a mercenary, for seven years i was happy with being a ruthless killer, for seven years i was happy with erasing all of my morals in the pursuit of blood money. That kind of mentality is hard to undo, and the lack of morality is something that has stayed with me. As i mentioned earlier i often have debates with my friends and my lack of morality and conscience shines through. We discussed earlier this month the topic of the Syria bombings, all of my friends oppose the actions of the military except me, who believes firmly that these bombings are good and should help to hunt and eliminate the inhuman animals we call Daesh.

The final question people tend to ask me is what made me change my career choice? I always tell them that the moral nature of the mercenary remains in me but i no longer want to be one. (As much as i like the idea of being the female version of the Winter soldier). The answer to that question is simple. My friends. I went through a really ruff time about a year and a half ago, when my mercenary instincts really shone through and i didn't really care about living or dying anymore, so i thought why not be a mercenary, if i die, i die. If i live, i have money.
When i finally came out to my friends as Transgender and i was met with the most incredible response, i realized there was more to this world than cruelty and hatred. Suddenly my black and white world had the first real glimpse of colour and from their i began to change. As i began to transition, so did my views on life. It was eventually after my first girls night, which was the happiest day/night of my life, I realized i could do more good to people by talking to them, rather than pointing a gun at them.

So while i often fail at being moral and i mean REALLY fail. I try as often as i can to make the world and the people around me happier. The world has been really shitty to me, and in a way i'm thankful for it, because it's made me the person i am today.
Bri, one of the other sweethearts and one of my closest friends sent me this picture the other day;

When i saw it i fell in love with it because i related to it so much, i have struggled with anxiety for a long time, i still do but as i transitioned i focused on the positive aspects of life and gradually filled myself with colour and joy. Now i try to do the same to the world and the people around me. I try to fill their life with kindness, happiness and colour as much as i can. I'll offer to buy food for them, get them flowers when they're sick. Simple gestures on a daily basis that, i hope, make the world a better place for them. Hence why i want to be a psychologist, i hope to help the people that struggle with life see colour again.


Boy, that was a roller-coaster. From mercenaries and acts of barbarism, to my eventual moral change and helping to make the world a better place. Hopefully it makes some sense in the message i was trying to send. Just try to be kind to people and spread some love. Because who knows, it might stop someone from becoming a soulless mercenary killing machine.

Anyway, until next time, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off. 

XOXO

Hello........ It's Me XOXO

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Tis I again, i'm super tired right now. Anxiety has drained me today beyond words, i'm looking forward to a brief break during September before we go back to school in January. A break will be much appreciated, even if i don't get to see my friends for several weeks :'(

Today, as part of a School trip, a couple of the sweethearts and I went to Bethlem Royal Hospital. We were joined by a group of other students and a few teachers, the trip was more designed to show us the workings of a psychiatric hospital and how they are very much different from interpretations presented in the media through films such as "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" (brilliant film btw check it out). I, ironically, was influenced by the media and expected the hospital to be very sterile and clinical, whitewashed walls and barred windows, however, i was pleasantly surprised. I found the hospital to be very nice, marble stairs and a very peaceful atmosphere, the patients were allowed to wander around in normal clothing and were treated like human beings, not people who were ill or mentally incapable. They were treated as normal members of society.

We weren't able to go and see any of the wards personally, a fact that i am perfectly fine with because these people are not exhibits, they are people who need their privacy while the recover and become better. We were able to wander the grounds a little bit but we mainly stayed within the small museum held at the hospital.

The museum was one of the most moving places I've ever been!! It featured a lot of art, such as poetry and paintings, that had been done by patients at the hospital throughout the years. It was incredible to be able to get some incite into the minds of these people who struggled with mental illnesses and chose to express it through art. I was on the verge of crying looking at this art. Truly some of the paintings really spoke to me. As a person who has struggled with mental illnesses through most of her life a lot of these paintings spoke to me. Especially a painting by Kim Noble, a woman who struggled with Disassociative Personality Disorder.

The Painting, entitled; Coming or Going Man was painted by Kim to represent her struggle everyday. She described her normal day as waking up to find clothes in her wardrobe which she didn't buy, and to buy Groceries that she didn't want. The painting was designed to capture her sense of literally not knowing whether she was coming or going. I found it to be such a beautiful picture because of it's simplicity. I struggled with my identity for 3 years before i finally realized i was Transgender. While i don't have Disassociative Personality Disorder, the painting spoke to me about a crisis of identity and finding your place in world that struggles to understand a personality which cannot physically be seen.

The art within the museum was beautiful in every sense of the word, the picture by Kim simply had the most impact on me. The museum also featured a lot of artifacts from the history of the hospital including devices used to treat people and also padding from cells that were used to detain people in the early days of the hospital. While that was very interesting i found myself drawn to the artwork more than anything else simply because it fascinated and captivated me in every way. The beauty of a damaged mind is something that will forever keep my life bright and filled with joy. I applaud every one of those artists in that museum for their bravery and sheer creative beauty. I fell in love with art today, and it will stay with me till the day i die.

Onto the grounds of the hospital, we wandered around a little bit before we stopped for lunch and i found the grounds to be beautiful. In the summer time i imagine the grounds to be green and luscious, a very nice place for someone to wander and find peace in their thoughts. The cafeteria on sight was nice, it had a costa and a place to buy hot food that was kept to a menu that sounded delightful. The staff were very pleasant when they served me. I struggle to order food in public and make contact with cashiers because of my Anxiety. I almost had a panic attack in the Cafe, just ordering a sandwich, but the lady behind the counter was lovely and patient and i was able to order a very tasty sandwich (Panic Attack free thankfully). It was nice inside decorated with flowers kept open with windows allowing plenty of light in. It maintained a nice friendly atmosphere, welcoming strangers and patients alike, once again lacking the distinction between patients and staff, helping to maintain a nice calmed relaxed atmosphere.

My visit to Bethlem has now cemented my desire to work as a Clinical Psychiatrist. Such a beautiful hospital with lovely staff and artwork helped to re captivate my love for Psychology all over again. I intend to become a therapist to help treat these people who are no different to you or I. The hospital was beautiful, friendly and educational, helping to draw stigma away from mental health disorders and broaden peoples views on the subject matter. To anyone with any interest in psychology i whole heartedly implore you to visit Bethlem and see the museum. It was truly one of the most emotional experiences in my psychological career.

Anyway i've rambled enough for one post, so until next time, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off 

XOXO

Bet you thought we were dead or something!? xx

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I return!!! Back from the ever present abyss of life, i return from the war ever raging in life with sword and shield in hand. Whether i'm triumphant in my struggles is questionable but these struggles shape the way we live and exist.

It has been a brutally long time since any of us have posted, several months in fact if i'm not mistaken. I can't speak for the other sweethearts but from my front, life just got in the way. Lots of shit has happened in the time since i last vented and blogged in this here corner of the internet. Some of it good, most of it bad but hey "A Knight in shining Armour is a man who has not had his mettle tested".

For me i have few significant life events in the past couple of months. The biggest event was my first appointment at the gender clinic in London. I was assessed by a clinician who is 100% sure i have gender identity disorder, which is a massive plus, i now just have to wait for my second appointment in april 2016 for a second assessment to confirm the aforementioned diagnosis. Then i should be good to begin the real life application phase. Small steps forward in my life, but non the less they are steps forward.

Other than that most things are the same with me. I'm still single, still in school, still working, still living and breathing to the best of my ability. As i mentioned a long time ago my life is very boring most of the time, at least i think it is. Most of the time my life is me trying to fix my MAJOR FUCK UPS. Most of the time these fuck ups are caused because i have a poor filter on what i say, i have really damaged social skills and i'm Impulsive. Most of the stuff i say is very offensive, but i don't realize that it actually is (poor social skills).
Any way i'm hopefully going to get help on improving my social skills along with a plethora of other issues to hopefully make me a better person.

As a group of girls who run this blog, we all seem to be doing okay. As okay as we can in this rather fucked up world we are currently living in, we all have our own problems to face and our own demons to fight but like the bad-ass bitches we are we face them with a smile on our face. Hell a smile is the best way to combat misery. I think our moods may have lifted due to the festive nature of the month, we each have our own festive holidays and sabbats to celebrate, for some it isn't such a fun time but we grit and bare the necessity to endure relatives who torment us in some shape or form.

As you may have guessed this far i'm not very good at talking in any structured or coherent manner so i'm sorry, i'm just trying to fit in several months of information in a blog post, i'm listing it off as it comes into my head. I think most of us are beginning to get on with out lives, we have plans for Universities and jobs, some of us have stable relationships, some of us are trying to establish relationships. We are planning to move forward to greener pastures. A scary time, but nothing fun was ever free from fear.

I've probably made no sense while writing this so i'll give a brief summary of life;

• I went to the gender clinic and was referred for assessment on Anxiety and Depression
• We are planning are choices in Universities and Careers. 
• We are beginning to find ourselves in life and flourish
• Some of us have begun relationships with people and some have stayed single 
• We have had some struggles and hardships but we seem to get through them 
• I think this blog may now be back in business for the foreseeable future. 

Any way i've rambled enough for one rubbish post so i'll leave you on this update. Until we next meet, This is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, singing off. 

XOXO

The seven non-existent sweethearts - Lollie

Hello internet!


We've been absent for a while.
Let's just say - sixth form has taken over our lives and we are all slowly sinking into this dark abyss of never ending work and constant stress... and it's only November.


For me, a lot has happened since I last posted. I've been to more conventions, Summer, Belle and I stayed over in London for a weekend, Belle, Ash and I saw Dan and Phil live, I met Dan and Phil, I've travelled to Milton Keynes and London on my own and Ash and I met Peter Capaldi!
I've been busy clearly...
Yes, I know it's not a Friday but let's be honest - since when have any of us posted on the right days?
I'm going to be back with more posts soon... in fact, I think I'm going to write loads an schedule them just so I don't miss one!


This was short and a pathetic excuse for our absence but I tried!

Until Next Time - Allons-y!

Lollie xx

Well Shit... - Wednesday's Child

It's been over month since any of us have updated. Wow.

Don't worry, the seven sweethearts are actually alive XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Tis i!!! Valerie, your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual!! And it has been a criminally long time since any of us actually posted anything. Sorry about that, i guess we've all been living our lives and we forgot to post anything. But never fear, i have returned to deliver you your weekly dose of cynical crap and emotionally driven rants.

I'll start off with some positive news. I am now a fully fledged adult, that's right, i'm 18. I spent my birthday with those i care about the most and couldn't have wished for a better day!!!
In other news i have my first appointment at the Gender Clinic on Monday the 26th of October. So hopefully that will all go well and i'll be one step closer to transitioning to the woman that i am at heart.

That's about it for the positive news i'm afraid (I did my best) but i'll try to make sure that my posts are a bit more uplifting in the future.

Here's the bit that you've all been waiting for, one of my rants;
At the moment I've been a bit overwhelmed. I'm repeating year 12 in terms of my mental health by hitting a brick wall. My anxiety is going mad, because of that some minor depressive symptoms have become apparent. My Insomnia has returned and as such i have been mentally and physically fatigued and can no longer focus on school work. I've just been worrying like a mad woman!!!

And because of all this i have sort of locked myself in and just tried to tank through it... That worked about as well as you can imagine. Anyway as such i have decided to take some mental health days this week to try and recuperate because i work all weekend. This will likely result in me worrying even more because i'm not at school and thus i'll start worrying about my friends and how i can't support them at home and i'll further descend into a pit of worries and concerns.

Hopefully the mental health day will do it's job and make me feel somewhat better than i do now.

Anyway, i'm sorry for how short this post is but i'm kinda tired and i don't have much to write about in my boring life, Hopefully next week will be more eventful.

Nonetheless, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, Signing off. XOXO 

I'm not in a great place at the moment... XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

As tends to be the case with most Trans people (but not all) i intend to transition at some point in my life, i intend to physically become the woman i am inside. This, as i'm sure you know, takes a lot of time but here in the UK, it takes along time just to even get seen.

Today i'm going to just purely vent emotion because, well, i'm broken at the moment...

I've been waiting around 13 months to receive and appointment at a Gender Clinic here in London. I have yet to receive a date. However, two days ago i received some letters and forms in the mail. I eagerly read the letters and filled out the forms so i could send them off the very next day. Well i guess in a state of overwhelming joy i must not have read the letters fully or only seen what i wanted to see. Last night i re read my letter from the clinic. Figured i may as well what harm could it do right?

"We are sorry to have to advise you that at present our waiting times for appointments, from receipt of referral, are 13 months"

The letter I received two days ago was to confirm they had received my referral. That means, if my understanding of the wording is correct, i will have to wait for at least another year before i am seen by a specialist. Before somebody even begins to look at me!! I simply do not know if i can cope with that anymore.I'm confused, angry, upset. But most of all i'm numb. I almost expected something like this would happen. It was to good to be true, the thought of me transitioning now...

But wait, there's more. "Please be advised that due to a backlog there may be further delays in receiving and appointment date" More waiting then? Another thirteen months of daily dysphoria!! That shit nearly broke me during the last round, now your telling me that i have to go for round 2!!

I've made an appointment with my Dr to make sure my understanding is correct and, should it be correct, to try and get some form of support to help me cope with another 13 months of misery.

So in summary, I've waited a year to receive any hint of an appointment. As soon as there is a glimmer of hope, a hint of happiness... I am told that i may have to wait another year before i am seen.

In summary of me personally, struggling to cope, emotionally numb, indifferent and running on autopilot. My cravings for strawberries continues... And i could really use a long hug.

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, broken and signing off

XOXO

It's been a hell of a month - Lollie

Hello internet people, welcome back - at long last!

I'm sat in the sun relaxing around the pool at my villa in Cyprus when I suddenly realise - I haven't written a blog post in a month. I desperately scrabble for my phone and download the blogger app and I'm tapping away, trying to cram all my adventures that I've had in the past month into one post that isn't too boring and isn't too long - and damn it's hard! 

Let's start it off with an apology. I promised a How to Comic Con post that never happened. I'm very sorry for that. 

Then, moving on - lets actually talk about comic con - LFCC (London Film and Comic Con). It's actually been a month since I stood in Olympia and finally felt like I'd come home. 

Friday before the event was spent at school, desperately printing off schedules and maps and train times and trying to get myself organised. 

At the beginning of the day, (which started around 5:30am), Payton's wonderful Nan took us to the station so we could catch an earlier train so we could get to the venue at an earlier time and when we got to the station, we discovered there was a signalling problem which meant there were no trains running to London until 8, which was not early enough. Me being me, I was panicking and then, a lovely couple approached and asked if we were going to LFCC, we said yes and they offered to share a taxi with them to a nearer station to get a train to London. After checking it was okay with Payton's nan, we all got into the taxi and went to another station. We rode the train and tube with the couple all the way to LFCC as we had no idea how to get there on our own. We parted with them as we entered the queue and it was at this moment, my excitement hit its peak for the first time that day.
All around us were people in cosplay of all different kinds; anime, doctor who, back to the future and more. I looked down at my own cosplay, a fem 11 cosplay that I was pretty proud of and then I looked around me. There were so many brilliant Doctor Who cosplays that I couldn't even begin to compete with, but still, I smiled and I got excited every time the queue moved up.
We got inside the venue at around 10:15am and we made our way to the photoshoot booth to see if Payton could get on with Lea Thompson, sadly they had all sold out. I then bumped into a Clara cosplayer who I had briefly spoken too on Twitter the night before. We posed for a picture together and then I went off to have my photoshoot with Harry Treadaway from Penny Dreadful. I had never been to a photoshoot before so this was also another exciting moment for me.
I approached Harry and he smiled at me, we exchanged British plesentaries (Hello, how are you?, it's nice to meet you etc) and I posed for the picture, my sonic screwdriver pointed at the camera, thanked him and then walked away. I picked up my bag and was on such a high I walked past the picture collection - luckily the lady pulled me back. I waited for my picture and when it came out, it was blurry! "are you happy with this or would you like it done again?" She asked. I'm sorry but there was no way I was going to miss an opportunity to have another photo with him. So  this time, I got Harry to hold the sonic and the picture was awesome, we said goodbye and that was it.

Me and Payton then wandered around the venue for a while, exploring the stalls - I brought Two figures of The Master. 

During the wandering, i found so many awesome cosplayers that I stopped to get photos with (Payton took them all and I thank her for that). Turns out I'm actually now friends with most of them and we Skype and talk regularly.  

We also spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to find the third floor...

Payton and I then went to get her ticket to meet Lea and then we wandered around some more and went to the top floor to meet Reeve Carney.

I got Reeve's autograph and we had a lovely chat and a hug. He is one of the nicest people I've met. He was so humble and he also complimented my cosplay which was brilliant! 

We then went to meet Lea Thompson and Payton must have been the only one there that didn't meet her because of Back To The Future - none the less, Lea was lovely and posed for photos and chatted to her for quite a while.

After this, we rushed to meet Catherine Tate. It was a photoshoot and we stood waiting outside for about ten minutes, there were crowds of people waiting as well. As we were waiting, I spotted a cosplayer that I'd seen online for a while. His name is Matt Elliot and he is an 11 cosplayer who has a striking resemblance to Matt Smith. We were called in batch by batch and then I was finally our turn. I was shaking as I approached her and I said hello and asked her to hold my sonic. We posed for a photo and then I collected it and left. 

Payton and I waited outside the photo booth area so I could get a picture with Matt Elliot and while we were waiting, I bumped into a cosplayer that I had had a picture with earlier that day. His name was Mickey and he introduced me to his other friends, one of which was Melissa. Melissa and I talk all the time now and she's actually coming to stay in Essex for a weekend in October so we can attended MCM London! I'm very excited. 

I met Matt Elliot and he complimented my cosplay (I died because he's my favourite 11 cosplayer).

Catherine Tate was actually rather rude. She hardly spoke, the picture she took, she doesn't look like she cares, she refused to hug people and she had the least enthusiasm of anyone I met that day. This made me sad because, even though I shouldn't, I now associate her character of Donna with her being not very pleasant towards me an other fans. 

After Catherine Tate, we went back up to the top floor and I went to talk to Harry Treadaway. We had a brilliant conversation and I got a bit nervous but he reassured me it was okay and to breath and start again and I did. We spoke about Penny Dreadful and acting and performing arts and then we said goodbye and we left. 

We then went to the second floor for the last thing of the day - the penny dreadful panel, with Reeve Carney and Harry Treadaway. The panel was amazing - I met a lovely Dreadful (penny dreadful fan) and we sat together and watched the panel. Both of us got to ask our questions to Harry and Reeve, also, when they both answered my question, they looked directly at me the whole time they were answering it. Reeve also kept staring at me during the panel and I have a picture of him looking at me.

The question I asked was: do you feel that you and your characters share any traits, like the way the act or dress? (When I said dress, Harry looked at Reeve and laughed)

Harry: yeah because I'm a drug addict and I can bring people back from the dead *laughs* no, I think victor... I feel more intelligent when playing him

Reeve: I feel like Dorian has this... This placidity to him - placidity is that the right word? Placidity? Calmness, I think he's laid back and I think that's what I share with him and yeah.. Clothes

After the panel, we went home and although I was sweaty and tired and my feet ached - the day had gone so well and it was amazing! 

LFCC aside, I started a two week work placement at an accountant. I worked 8 days and got £200 for it! 

I went up to London to the Alexander McQueen fashion exhibition at the V&A with Summer which was so fun and such an eye opener. McQueen's outfits and collections are just mind blowing! We also had a wander round London and basically spent the day being tourists. We went to the TARDIS outside Earl's Court station, Trafalgar Square, the mall, outside Buckingham palace, St James' Park, Pimlico, Oxford Street and Forbidden Planet. It was a VERY good day - tiring but brilliant.

On the 8th of August, for my birthday, Summer and I went to see Three Days in the Country starring John Simm, Mark Gatiss and Amanda Drew. Now, John Simm is my favourite actor so seeing him live on stage was pretty surreal and then something even more surreal happened.

I met John Simm.

After 8 years of waiting, watching his programmes, his films and interviews etc and finally, he was infront of me, not on the stage acting or playing guitar, not passing me in the street - actually there and it was just as I had hoped. He was lovely, so humble and kind. I would go on but, I could literally go on and on and on and on. I was shaking for up to an hour afterwards with the adrenaline and happiness running through me.

Then after the trips to London was the escapade that lead me and Summer to Cyprus. The journey was long but fun and now we only have a week left until we have to go back to England and the. A week after that until Sixth Form starts again.

Sixth form - As results... Let's not talk about those. I'm just going to say my results now mean I have to reconsider going to University at the end of Year 13.

Overall, it's been a pretty crazy and fun month full of meeting new people, experiencing new things, talking to existing people and just having a great time! 

I know this has just been an update post and it's not what I promised but... Enjoy it anyway! 

Until Next Time, Allons-y!

Lollie xx

Not ranting for once, i just want to share some really cool experiences I've had XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries, 

I'm a Trans woman, as i'm sure you all know, that means i have the body of a man, no boobs and no Womb. I will be able to grow boobs through the use of hormones but with current medical standings i will never have a womb, it would likely kill me due to transplant rejection, plus no cervix so i can't give birth anyway.

So with that in mind, BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE HUMAN MIND!! My brain has given me what i can only define as 'Phantom Boobs'. Since beginning my transition to a woman i have begun wearing a bra and then using implant things to give my chest shape. I guess through this my brain has been conditioned to associate my chest as having secondary sex characteristics. Even though i can look down and see i have no boobs my brain is having non of it.

Story time!! The other night i was getting ready for bed, i was ready to sleep but i couldn't find a top. I thought to myself, "Eh no biggy, i'll just sleep without a top." So i was settling down but i couldn't sleep. Without a top i felt somewhat exposed. I couldn't shake this feeling that i needed a top. So i went hunting for one downstairs and as i crept downstairs so as not to wake anyone, i found myself instinctively clutching my chest as if to cover my boobs. Once i got the top and was in bed again, i realized that my brain has given me 'Phantom Boobs'!! I think this is one of the most incredible things ever. When i used to live as a man, i had built up all of these mental barriers to shut out any form of femininity. Now that i am openly transitioning my mind has, in a sense, evolved and adapted to become the woman i am. Incredibly my mind has changed itself to match these feelings of femininity!! If you don't think that's incredible then i don't know what is?

On top of my 'Phantom Boobs' I've also been told that i can have mental periods, if you will. Science and psychology have proven that People like me (Male-to-Female Transsexuals) Have the brain chemistry and make up as that of a biological woman. (See the link for wiki article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism) Now through experience and from talking to other Trans Women it seems that we can at times get PMS style symptoms (Boobs get sore, mood swings etc.) Due to the fact that we lack a womb are symptoms do not follow a cycle. In my experience they can come at anytime of the month but they follow the same characteristics of that of a biological woman.
I've been told that this may be due to hormonal imbalances similarly to that of a biological woman. I've also been told that what i'm experiencing may be a form of defense mechanism, as my mind tries to cope with a masculine body that doesn't match my "perceived" gender it will cause cramps and emotional swings while trying to simulate the periods of natal women. Either way it's awesome, i get to have a style of period that eases my dysphoria!!

I wanted to share these experience with you because, from an aspiring psychologists point of view, this stuff is incredibly interesting and i intend to look into this stuff more over the next month.

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off 

XOXO

Results day sorrow and stuff XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non Binaries,

So over here in the UK today was what effectively can be defined as 'Judgement day'. Collectively across the country Year 12 and Year 13 students traveled to their school to collect their A-Level grades. For the year 12's this would decree which subjects they continued to study and how they planned to move forward with their present results. For the Year 13's this day would decree which University they go into or were they would move into the world as fully fledged adults.
Basically the most terrifying day for many students up and down the country.

As is common with days such as this one, there were people jumping for joy and people who were upset with their results. I was one of the latter people. I was not entirely sad with the grades i got. I do have the option to resit my exams if i feel them to be abysmally bad. However, the one emotion that seemed to fill me was guilt. I feel as though i do not deserve the grades i got. There are many more people who deserve the grade i got, yet somehow i was the one to receive it. I did not put in as much effort as the rest of my friends yet still i got such a good grade. I don't deserve it...

Of course as much as our parents or our schools may say it, bad results are not the end of the world. Far from it in fact. Should you be in year 12 then you can resit the exams, you'll have to pay but i assure you the cost is worth it. Should you be in year 13 then you can look at colleges or night schools, grades can be improved and their are more qualifications to be gained. Perhaps your life has not turned out as was initially planned but things can be worked upon, if there's one thing life has taught me it's that things rarely go according to plan.

As hypocritical as this statement is, please don't resort to drink or anything along those lines. Because as bad as your results may be, drowning your sorrows is far worse. You can improve on your grades and your qualifications. Plenty of celebrities and famous entrepreneurs had a rocky start and didn't do well in school, now look at them. Multi millionaires and living the dream!!! So if your not happy work at it. Improve upon what you deem to be your "Failures" and make the best out of next year.

Lord know i failed hard this year!! But i'll be damned if i don't work hard at these grades and improve them to the best of my ability. I feel pretty bad about my results yeah, but i'm not gonna let it hold me back from moving forward and improving upon them. Give up now and you'll never get to were you want to be.

So results day may be a shitty time of the year for most people, but we face it, we deal with it (not through the use of alcohol or anything like that, believe me it doesn't help) and then we move on to greener pastures as is the way with life.

Anyway keeping it short this week, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off XOXO

Today I fucked up... XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

As the title states, Today i fucked up. Today, for the first time in a while, i got overwhelmed. I like to think of myself as a big girl who can give as good as she get's but i sort of crumbled to today. I spent the most part of my afternoon slowly drowning my sorrows and then napping followed by drowning my sorrows some more. 

Surprisingly i didn't cry, normally i would but the tears didn't come... strange. Nothing major has even happened in my life. There was no death in the family or in my close friends. I've had a fairly happy week to be honest, but i crumbled. My dysphoria absolutely destroyed me, and i guess as a result everything else kicked in... 

I tend to preach a lot about ignoring body consciousness. I preach about being proud of yourself, loving you for you and ignoring what people say. I guess it's because at the root of it all i can't stand to see it happen to people when everyday of my life is ruled by disgust in my own body. I can't stand to look in a mirror because it cripples me... To see my broad shoulders and my flat, masculine figure. It fills me with what i can only describe as anguish. I try to make myself look more feminine with every passing day. I put implants into my bra, i blend makeup to get rid of my facial hair. Hell i even tried to 'tuck' the other day just to feel more feminine. I've waited over a year for a referral to see a gender specialist and i managed to get a reply back in early July-June, they wanted some forms and blood samples which i happily filled out and was straight in to get my bloods taken. I was worried because the time frame to reply to the referral was so short, but i had faith that it would be sent off and i would have a reply before August... Well it's august and still no reply, I went to the doctors for more blood tests and the form still hadn't been sent off. The deadline had been missed and now i await for the reply "You have missed the deadline, please re-submit a referral form and wait to hear from your GP." 
I'll be brutally honest here folks, i don't know if i can make it through another year of waiting for a referral? I live as a woman but it's a miserable existence at that. I might put on my makeup and wear female clothes. I might shave my legs and i might wear a bra and underwear but every time i look down... i see a chest with no boobs. Every time is shower, i have to be reminded that i am in fact a man. 
As a cis person, you live in certainty. You wake up every day and you have these fixed criteria in your life. You know that your either a brother or a sister, a son or a daughter, a mother or a father. I don't have that certainty, i don't know if i'll be a mother? That's what kills me the most inside... I don't know if i'll ever be a mother. I don't know if i'll ever be able to look into the eyes of my future wife and share the knowledge that i have a child and that i am a mother. I think at this point i'd hit the whiskey...

I then moved onto not really giving a shit about myself anymore. I started to worry about my friends. I share this blog with six other incredible women. Girls that took me in without question. They accepted me as one of the Girls and for that i can never repay them!! These girls make me feel good about myself in a world that is hell bent on driving me out because I try to be who I am. 
That's why i care about them so much. That's why i worry about them so much. I've seen some stuff in my time, stuff that no person should ever have to endure yet time and time again i see my friends suffer. I guess that's why i fight so hard to keep them happy. Because i know how the story ends, and that's not how i want it to end for them. 
I know that one of my friends has depression and as a result she has varying other illnesses as a result of comorbidity. I know that one of my friends has issues regarding family and possibly self-consciousness. I deliberate haven't named names for privacy reasons but you get my point. I've seen this happen before and i guess i'm scared for what might happen... I need these girls more than i need air and if i could trade my small amount of happiness in exchange for their suffering than i'd do it in a heartbeat. Because those girls deserve happiness more than anything in the world. Because they gave this Woman a glimmer of hope.

So i guess what i'm trying to say is i had a somewhat drunken realization that caused my mind to sort of collapse for a couple of hours. Anyway, my head is telling me my mistakes and based on the fact i have work tomorrow i sort of want to curl up and never come out, ever!! But i already came out once (Badum tss) so i guess i can do it again. 

P.S morale of the story is don't drown your sorrows because in the end, they'll drown you right back as you can probably tell by this post. 

Anyway, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual reminding you, Please drink responsibly etc.

XOXO

This girl is incredibly bored, so enjoy another 99 questions!! XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non Binaries,


I'm really bored so enjoy some more knowledge about my boring old life :)

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? I didn't spend all that time in the closet to have the doors shut!!

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? What makes you think i can afford a hotel in the first place!?

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out, in case i need to get up in the middle of the night. 

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Who the fuck even does that!?

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? My arm is substantially cheaper...

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? A motherly habit i unfortunately indulge in...

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? A big bear, i could probably out run it.

8: Do you have freckles? Quite a few

9: Do you always smile for pictures? NOPE, i tend to pull stupid faces and look like a serial killer...

10: What is the most annoying thing? Inequality, racism, pretty much everything.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Nope, I've more important things to be doing with my time!!!

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? I'm pretty sure every human has once in their life

13: What about pooped in the woods? Something not ever human has done in their life

14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? I always have music around me!!

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Another habit i unfortunately indulge in...

16:How many people have you slept with this week? I've never slept with anyone, period!!

18:What is your Song of the week? Just Tonight, by The Pretty Reckless

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Of course it is!!! what type of question is that!???

20:Do you still watch cartoons? All the time...

21:Whats your least favorite movie? 50 shades of domestic abuse...

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Telling you would defeat the "hidden" aspect of hidden treasure!!

23:What do you drink with dinner? Water, I'm a peasant...

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? The bin, I don't like them

25:What is your favorite food? Tuna and Sweetcorn Pilaf

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? The Help, The Green Mile

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? I've never kissed or been kissed in a relationship

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? No, but i missed out on the opportunity to be both...

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Yeah, but probably in a metaphorical, Laverne Cox type of way.

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I don't have anyone to write to.

31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes, i spent a year as a mechanic

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? I don't drive...

33:Ever ran out of gas? Does Attack on Titan count?

34:Favorite kind of sandwich? One of the breaded variety, i don't have a there is only one kind right??

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? I don't eat breakfast so i wouldn't know...

36:What is your usual bedtime? Whenever i pass out from sleep deprivation 

37:Are you lazy? Of course i am!!

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? A woman, any excuse to be one was eagerly met before i came out.
39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? An ox, the exact opposite of me in real life...

40:How many languages can you speak? 1 fluently but i know fragments of other languages

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope

42:Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Lego's, the fuck are Lincoln logs!?

43:Are you stubborn? Not really, i'm quite a push over to be honest.

44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Never watched them.

45:Ever watch soap operas? Contrary to popular belief, i do in fact have some standards.

46:Are you afraid of heights? Nope, just afraid of falling

47:Do you sing in the car? Nope, people don't appreciate my none existent talent!!

48:Do you sing in the shower? I appreciate my none existent talent!!

49:Do you dance in the car? I value my life and the life of others

50:Ever used a gun? We actually have sense here in Britain...

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? About 2 months ago, i had my picture taken as a girl for the schools computers 

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Musicals are beautiful!!

53:Is Christmas stressful? Life in general is stressful

54:Ever eat a pierogi? Nope, but after a google search i want to!!

55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple

57:Do you believe in ghosts? Nope

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? That's part of living sweety

59:Take a vitamin daily? No, i only take vitamins when my doctor prescribes them because my body is falling apart

60:Wear slippers? Nope

61:Wear a bath robe? Once again, Nope

62:What do you wear to bed? Underwear and a T-shirt

63:First concert? A Soley-Mourning concert i believe

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Never been to any of them!!

65:Nike or Adidas? I have fashions sense Honey...

66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos i guess?

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Salted Peanuts are life (Unless you have an allergy)

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? That's french right?

69:Ever take dance lessons? I've done a couple in performing arts.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Whatever the fuck they want to do!

71:Can you curl your tongue? One of my few skills...

72:Ever won a spelling bee? We don't have them here in Britian

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Nope, only when i'm sad

74:Own any record albums? Quite a few

75:Own a record player? My mom does

76:Regularly burn incense? No, i just have room scented thingys 

77:Ever been in love? I've had crushes on people but it's never gone anywhere

78:Who would you like to see in concert? The Pretty Reckless or Iron Maiden

79:What was the last concert you saw? A concert by my friends band Stone Wolf

80:Hot tea or cold tea? Depends upon the Tea?

81:Tea or coffee or hot chocolate? Tea and Hot Chocolate

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sugar (Snickerdoodle sounds like a word used by children when talking about sex)

83:Can you swim well? I like to think so

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Most people can.

85:Are you patient? Fairly

86:DJ or band, at a wedding? Presuming i find someone willing to marry me!? I'd probably have my aforementioned friends band play

87:Ever won a contest? I won a group music competition in year nine.

88:Ever have plastic surgery? Not yet, but i probably will when i transition. (FFS and all that)

89:Which are better black or green olives? I despise olives!!

90:Can you knit or crochet? I can Knit decently and i can barely Crochet

91:Best room for a fireplace? The living room in my opinion

92:Do you want to get married? I would very much like to 

93:If married, how long have you been married? I haven't even had a relationship yet alone marriage!!

94:Who was your High School crush? I have had several, besides i'm too shy to say.

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No because i'm 17 years old!!

96:Do you have kids? Nope

97:Do you want kids? I would like to have some, but due to my lack of a womb and my desire to be rid of my current parts it seems somewhat out of the question, much to my dismay...

98:Whats your favorite color? PURPLE!!

99:Do you miss anyone right now? My friends

And now you know some more stuff about me, much to your dismay i'm sure, 
Anyway, until next time, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual Signing off. XOXO