Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,
This time we're back to depressive posts and me venting my emotions. The natural order of things has been restored I know. Anyway i'm going to just went my thoughts and feelings, to be quite honest with you i wouldn't blame you if you just stopped reading now. This is your final warning.
First and foremost i'll start with something that really has me worried, surprise, surprise my anxiety has made a comeback and so my health begins to deteriorate slowly but surely. I have been quite terrified lately by this issue and thus have been struggling to put on a brave face every morning. I can't be sure of the issue because i can't tell if it's my friends joking or not but either way, danger lights are flashing in my brain!! I have lately developed this feeling that i am a very annoying person, i know my friends sometimes tell me how much of an idiot i am but this seems different.
For some reason i can't shake the feeling that my friends are trying to push me away, distance themselves from me, all of these small comments have really begun to play on my mind. For instance one of my friends would say something like "this is why your not invited to Saturday" or "i didn't say hello so i'm not gonna say goodbye". It seems that every time i see my friends they do not meet me with happiness but with irritation or malcontent. They seem to avoid me or act as if i don't exist.
Quiet frankly this has me, and if you'll pardon my french, Fucking terrified!! I have only ever felt true fear twice in my life and this is the second time I've felt it. I am dead scared that for some reason i have alienated those who i hold closest to me. I don't know what to do anymore... i honestly don't. I'm making an attempt to not say dumb shit or anything that is irritating but i often find myself avoiding conversation as best as i can, to scared to speak. I need these guys more than anything in this miserable life, i can't survive without them!! They are the only people who make me feel accepted in this world, the only people who make me feel normal. And i might just lose them because i'm a fucking idiot incapable of saying anything constructive or non irritating. Who knows anymore?
Another thing that has me bloody terrified, university. I am Transgender and i plan to transition around my friends, the very same ones that i might lose, because i desperately need their support. Yet my referral is still in the works after a year of waiting. Bare i mind the fact i need to live as a woman for two years under heavy psychic observation before i can get hormones. We come to the conclusion that i won't transition around them, i will be alone and without my closest friends during a time when i'll need them most. That's got me shit scared too!!
And another thing that i'm terrified about. I know that two of my closest friends are going abroad to study in university. One of them is going to Australia to study politics and international relations and my other friend is going to study in Germany or Austria. They're going abroad on their own, it terrifies me to think that something might happen to them. I can't help but worry that something might happen to them, or that i may never see them again. I care about them to much to just let them go.
Finally today my mother was diagnosed with glandular fever. it's not fatal and people can recover from it, but as a single parent raising to children on her own. i don't know if she can cope and still do her work and the housework and still find time to rest and recover. This doesn't help my anxiety one bit!!
Now something that has me upset rather than terrified. As a Trans-woman i have requested that people use my name and pronouns. most of my friends do use the correct pronouns and name which fills me with joy and pride. Yet some of my friends seem to make no effort, referring to me by my birth name and biological pronouns. I understand that people will slip up occasionally, I don't expect perfection. I am by no means a perfect Human being!! But when people don't try, that really makes me upset. It induces dysphoria every time i hear; he, him, etc. and my birth name. I struggle to cope sometimes.
In all honesty i feel like crying, i really don't feel like trying some days. I am terrified that i have lost my friends and can't work out what to do next. I'm not religious, in fact i'm atheist, but i might well pray tonight, perhaps ask for some divine advice...
Anyway, until next time, This is your friendly neighborhood Transsexual signing off XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment