Society can go and FUCK itself... I'm dead serious!!

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries, 

I'm posting quite regularly because, i'll be honest, dysphoria is kicking my non existent butt... I apologies for all the ranting that i do but i like to vent my emotions, plus posting things and being constructive helps me to not feel like such a useless waste of flesh.

Being fairly new to the blog i decided recently to look back on some old posts made by the other sweethearts, most of them were nice things about movies and make up (Then we get to my depressive shit) but i happened to stumble upon a post Bri made on selfies, compliments and low-self esteem. I'll be honest it hit me square in the heart. Not only because I've suffered with low-self esteem and a hatred for my body, but because she suffered with it. If there's one thing i hate in this life it's the suffering of others. I couldn't care less about myself, i put everyone else before me because they can bring something to this world and that is reason enough for them to succeed and to have faith in themselves.
Hell it's why i dedicated myself to helping people with mental illnesses. Low self esteem, depression, anxiety you name it. I intend to become a clinical Psychiatrist so i can help people cope with these illnesses because they are valuable to society. YOU ARE VALUABLE TO SOCIETY!!! AND DON'T YOU DARE FORGET IT!!!

Anyway this wasn't where i intended to go with this post, I'll likely revisit the topic of suicide several times in the future. The main goal of this post was to address the same topic that Bri did. SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS. (this post will focus on women but i'll follow it with a mans one soon)

I hate societal expectations. If they didn't exist i wouldn't be the freak that mothers shelter their children from. Today i went to the shops, all i wanted to do was get some coloring pens. A simple task, all a girl wants to do is draw. But lo behold as i walked into the shop, i heard a child ask it's mother, "Mummy, is that a boy or a girl?" A simple and innocent question, curiosity is in a child's nature. The reply, however, not so innocent. "That is a man dressed as a woman, it's disgusting and perverted!!"

I was seen as nothing more than a man with a fetish in that moment... I brought the coloring pens and left quickly, i kept my head down the whole way home. All i'll say was that by the end of the ordeal my mascara was ruined.

I have lived my life as both a man and a woman, an experience very few can say they've lived. Let me tell you that as a woman, society puts the weight of a thousand planets on the shoulders of women!! You must be flawless, if not, the large majority of society will fuck you over.
Women have to shave their legs, their under arms, their downstairs, some choose to do their face and arms. Women have to have flawless, flowing locks of hair that cascades down their back. Women have to be flawless in their makeup; eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, foundation, blusher, bronzer, concealer, primer, lipstick, lip liner. Women have to have plucked and shaped eyebrows that are penciled to perfection. Women must be under a certain dress size, have huge boobs and a big butt!!

I'm here to tell you that those expectations can get FUCKED!!! I'm am by no means a perfect girl, in fact i'm not biologically a girl. I shave my legs, i shave my under arms, my arms and my downstairs. But i cut myself up so bad. Some days i don't shave because my legs hurt to bad!! Doesn't make me any less of a woman.

My hair is not long and luscious. Its not even to my shoulders. It's a bob that comes just below my jaw line. It's not long and wavy or shiny like in the shampoo commercials. It's straight, the ends are split and it often ends up in my mouth. Doesn't make me any less of a woman.

My make up is by no means flawless!! My foundations is patchy and my stubble shows. The eye shadow is nominal at best. I can't do eye liner. My mascara often ends up all over my face before i'm done. My blusher is very inconsistent. I don't bother contouring because i don't have any bronzer. I don't conceal and i don't prime my face. My lipstick skills are poor and i have to try five times a day before i'm happy. Lip liner, i don't even bother trying. I look like a five year old that's just raided it's mothers make up for the first time on most days, but i'll be damned if i'm not a woman!!

My Eyebrows, aren't plucked. Haven't got around to it yet. There still incredibly masculine, thick and bushy. Still a woman though. My dress size is twelve to fourteen. I'm not a size zero, and i couldn't give two shits!! I'm still a woman. My boobs don't even exist, i don't yet take hormones and because of the testosterone flowing through my body, fat doesn't go to my Butt.

Women these days seem to crave a thigh gap, it's all well and good if you don't want thick thighs, be you honey, but me i hate my thigh gap!! i want thick thighs that touch and make me look like your average woman. That doesn't make me any less of a woman for saying i'm not gonna make myself look like a super model.

Ladies, i'll tell you right now from the bottom of my heart. Don't worry. And please for the love of God, do not starve yourself of self harm because your not societies perfect image of femininity. I'll tell you a fact I've never shared with anyone. I starved myself... I didn't eat during the day, i had a dinner and that was it. Do you know why, because i had a slight pot belly. A fucking pot belly!! I starved myself because i wasn't the ideal woman... OF COURSE I FUCKING WASN'T, I'M A FUCKING BIOLOGICAL MALE, THE FUCK DID I EXPECT!!! So i didn't eat for days, and i starved myself, and i turned down meals all because i wasn't what society said was ideal... I dropped to 7.1 stone. I got sick. Real fucking sick. and it took years to recover. I still haven't fully recovered yet. I'm now 8.4 stone, but my stomach shrank. I can just about manage 2 slices of pizza before i feel like being sick. I doubt i'll be able to eat as much as i used to ever again.

It was a vicious cycle. I felt disgusting so i didn't eat. I got sick because i didn't eat so i ate. I then felt disgusting because i ate so i starved myself. At one point death felt more preferable to that style of existence. But by some luck i pulled through, and now i'm the woman i have become today.

So Ladies, be you. Don't detox or starve or self harm because you don't look like some bimbo on the front of a vogue magazine because your incredible just the way you are. In your eyes you may not be but in someone else you are. I know a girl who has many insecurities with herself. In her eyes she may not be perfect but to me she is in every way imaginable!! In someones eyes you are fucking beautiful and that is reason enough to keep on fighting!! That is reason enough to live as who you are!!

I hate my body because it is the body of a man. But i made a promise to my friend, she told me to get the surgery, to be DROP DEAD GORGEOUS and FUCKING SLAY!!! And that is some of the greatest advice I've ever received!! So i slap on my shitty make up and i put on my bra for my non existent tits because i made that promise and i will live my life as a beautiful woman. Because society will judge me for being me but i'll tell you something from the bottom of my heart. It's a fuck tonne better than living a lie...

Ladies society is a waste of time. Stop living for people you don't even fucking know, and start living for yourself, Here is a quote from Bri's post which i believe sums it all up better than i ever could...

"But that's not the worst part of this. The worst part is that the expectation is never absolute. Society wants us to be pretty, but calls us shallow when we obsess over our eyebrows, and feel sick after seeing the scale tick up one more notch. Society wants us to be smart, but mocks us when we turn up to class yawning, with dark, sleepless circles under our eyes and our hair unbrushed from a night of studying. Society wants us to be party girls, sexy and promiscuous, but when we get drunk they tut and turn away quietly. They want us to be meek and modest, but when we stay virgins they laugh and call us prude. And all of this is contributing to a damaging psyche. A psyche that says "whatever you do it's not going to be right, so don't do anything at all." 

How in the fuck could a girl expect to live up to these doubles standards. I'll tell you right now she can't because i fucking tried to. So before you starve yourself or do any lasting damage to that gorgeous body of yours. Don't even bother living up to what society says is ideal. Because if society was ideal, there would be no expectations.

And if you have unfortunately self-harmed or starved or done anything to yourself, Then don't for one second feel bad. Because you got past it, you fucking walked the line and guess what honey, you fucking beat it. If that's not a reason to go on living i don't know what is. Because now you can take all the more care with that beautiful body of yours. If not for yourself than for me because i'm a single lesbian and you might be my first sweetheart you glorious woman you.

So ladies i want you to get up when your ready and go to a mirror. I want you to look yourself dead in the eyes and say to yourself. "I'm fucking beautiful, i'm perfect the way i am." Then i want you to take a selfie and post it somewhere, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter whatever your preference is. Every like you get, someone thinks you look great. That's proof your perfect to someone. Even if you don't get likes it just means someones to shy to say they think your beautiful. Then to finish it all off i want you to treat yourself. Do whatever makes you happy, sing, buy a pair of shoes, eat ice cream. Do whatever makes you smile and FUCKING LIVE!!

So ladies here i am, i am by no means a perfect woman, but a woman i am!! I intend to live everyday of my life to the full because beneath all that dysphoria, all the depression and the anxiety, beneath the eating disorders and the lack of self-esteem. Beneath it all, because of it all. I almost denied myself the chance to live. And that is something you should never even consider. should you end it or focus on changing yourself into societies perfect woman. You'll never have the chance to flourish. Had i ended it, i would never have become the woman i truly am, i would have died a man and been remembered as one. I would have been remembered as a lie. 

So Ladies learn from my mistakes and live, flourish in society because i guaran-DAMN-tee that you will do incredible things for this world, you'll raise some children, you'll marry the love of your life and guess what, they'll think your perfect just the way you are. So at the end of it all fuck society. We don't need bullshit expectations anyway. 

If you take one thing away from this post today... Don't make yourself suffer chasing an ever changing idea of perfection, because you'll chase it till the day you die, and you'll have never lived. 

This is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, a far from ideal woman, reminding you,

I'm With You Till The End of The Line, Folks

XOXO

A year of a lifetime!!! It's holiday season!!! By Summer

Holidays, aren't they the best?? You get to go and relax and enjoy yourself for the best part of two weeks on average, right? 

Generally you go abroad, especially when you live in a country like mine- England. Me, I love holidays and trips abroad. Not so long ago I had the pleasure of going to Ecuador for 4 weeks to do volunteering work for the less fortunate people there. This year I have gone to Turkey for 2 weeks and I am also travelling to Cyprus for 3 weeks not long after I get home from my first holiday in Turkey.

I am writing this post on my last night in Turkey, I'm not sure about anyone else but I personally hate last nights on holiday, they simply [in my opinion] are the worst. You sit around knowing that the worst is ahead of you in the morning when you have to get on a plane and go home. The trip, no matter how long it is, is the most treturous thing ever! Somehow, even though you travel the same time to get to your destination abroad, it always seems longer when you have to go home.

Cyprus will be the second time that I go away without my family across the world, the first being Ecuador. Going away without your parents for the first time is scary, no matter how old you are the first time that you do it, the second, is nerving, but not as bad as the first as you know you have done it once and can now do anything! 😉

Don't you find that another shameful and scary thing about going abroad is the not knowing whether they will be able to understand you or not??

Being 17 years old, its hard to get anywhere when you are stuck in a tiny village half of the time and there are literally no ways of getting out at a reasonable time of day. So when the opportunity came up for me to pay to go to Cyprus for 3 weeks with my closest friend, Lollie, I did.

To be honest, it was one of my best choices this year, my friends dad owns a company over there for villas and now currently owns a bar aswell, so this holiday is going to be fun and most probably far from relaxing, unlike this holiday that I am finishing now. I have a feeling there will be a lot of shopping and exploring involved within this holiday, something I am not afraid of one bit!!

Goodbye for now, love from Summer xoxo

Lets take a break from depressive stuff shall we XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I think most people have done one of these 99 questions things so i figured i'd give it a go. Add some insight into my life and help you guys take a break from my depressing posts. Here we go; 

1. 6 of the songs you listen to most?

- Going to Hell, The Pretty Reckless 

- Absolution, The Pretty Reckless

- Dead on Arrival, Attack on Titan Soundtrack 

- The Number of the Beast, Iron Maiden

- Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

-Besides my friends, Caitlyn Jenner. She's my heroine!! 

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. 

-"have it your way, Titus, but don't say i didn't warn you." The Horus Heresy-False Gods-

4. What do you think about the most? 

-The most depressing shit ever, such as the fact that i will likely die alone without a wife but i won't bore you with everything i think about.

5. What does your latest text message from someone else say? 

-No one texts me so we'll use Facebook, "But yeah, i should be going to see Ant Man tonight" 

6. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? 

-Clothes on, i'm to self conscious to go nude.

7. What's your strangest talent? 

-I can bend my legs backwards, i'm hyper mobile. 

8. Girls... (finish the sentence); Boys... (Finish the sentence) 

-Girls like varying things, Boys like varying things. 

9. Ever had a poem or song written about you? 

-Nope, if one was written it probably wouldn't be nice. 

10. When is the last time you played air guitar? 

-Two hours ago walking home from the bakery, I was listening to "Going to Hell" 

11. Do you have any strange phobias? 

-Define strange. I'm terrified on centipedes, Petrified of dying alone, but i can't bare to watch my friends suffer, and i've seen that before... 

12. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? 

-Nope, contrary to popular belief i hold some form of common sense. 

13. Whats your religion? 

-Atheist, i find the concept of religion to be a flawed and cruel one, but i understands it's value to some so i'll tolerate it. 

14. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? 

-Being alone with my thoughts and emotions. 

15. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? 

-Since transitioning, in front of it. 

16. Simple but extremely complex. Favourite band?

-Can't go wrong with Iron Maiden... 

17. What was the Last lie you told? 

-"I'm fine, honestly" That one rules my life.., 

18. Do you believe in Karma? 

-Nope, my farther wouldn't be walking this earth and my friends wouldn't be suffering right now... 

19. What does your URL mean?
-Well Valerie was going to be my name after i transitioned and Miss Fortune was my drag name before i publicly came out a transgender.
20. What is your greatest weakness; greatest strength? 
-Greatest weakness: Besides the testosterone that courses through my body, I'm don't know when to stop and often offend my friends.
-Greatest Strength: Like i have a strength...
21. Who is your celebrity crush? 
-Currently Scarlett Johansson, the things i would do...
22. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? 
-Nope, if i did the fact that i am not a biological woman would become pretty obvious,,,
23. How do you vent your anger? 
-Crying to myself and going on long walks at night.
24. Do you have a collection of anything? 
-Judge Dredd Comics.
25. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? 
-Video Chatting, i like to talk face to face, that way i can correctly interpret emotion and meaning, vice versa too.
26. Are you happy with the person you've become?
-I'm now a full time woman but my body brings the whole thing down...
27. What's a sound you hate; sound you love? 
-Sound i hate: Distraught crying, Not the crying, the feeling of helplessness when i'm not there to comfort the person. I speak from experience.
-Sound i love: The laughter of my friends.
28. What's your biggest "what if"?
-What if i'd ended it all?
29. Do i believe in ghosts? How about Aliens? 
-Ghosts, no. Aliens, with 50 sextillion planets in the known universe... theres Aliens.
30. Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. 
-Right arm = Lucozade bottle. Left arm = radiator
31. Smell the air. What do you smell? 
-Cut grass and my own perfume.
32. What's the worst place you've ever been to? 
-My fathers house.
33. Choose East Coast or West Coast? 
-West Coast
34.Most Attractive singer of your opposite gender?
-Not sure how to answer this based on my predicament but i'm gonna cheat. Taylor Momsen
35. To you, what is the meaning of life?
-Be yourself, from 3 years of lying about my gender. It's along time to lie, it damages you...
36.Define art. 
-The expression of ones inner most emotions.
37. Do you believe in Luck?
-"There is no fate but what we make for ourselves."
38. What's the weather like right now? 
-Wet and Cold, as per normal in Britain.
39. What time is it? 
-15:16 GMT
40. Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? 
-I don't drive, crashed a GO Kart once though..,
41. What was the last book you read? 
-Playing the Game, By one of my closest friends.
42. Do you like the smell of Gasoline? 
-I hated it until i worked as a mechanic, then i grew used to it.
43. Do you have a nickname?
-Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual
44. What was the last film you saw? 
-Ant Man
45.Whats the worst injury you've ever had? 
-It's not physical but i had extreme Anxiety for two years leaving me incapable of correctly socializing
46. Have you ever caught a butterfly?
-Nope, it would likely kill it and i am strongly against unnecessary death in all creatures
47. Do you have any obsessions right now? 
-Attack on Titan, i love the anime, i watch it quite regularly.
48. What's your sexual orientation? 
-I am a proud Lesbian.
49. Ever had a rumour spread about you? 
-Yeah, back in year 9 somebody spread a rumour that i was a "Tranny" Jokes on them i really was XD
50. Do you believe in magic? 
-Nope.
51. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? 
-Nope, i forgive and move on, grudges are a one way ticket to some form of illness.
52. What is your astrological sign? 
-Virgo, which means i am: (I don't believe in this crap but hey, it appeases the masses)

Analytical 

Observant

Helpful

Reliable 

Precise

Skeptical 

Fussy

Inflexible 

Cold

Interfering. 

53. do you save money or spend it?
-Both, spend it on food and save for a pair of Christian Louboutin's
54. What is the last thing you purchased? 
-Colouring pens!!
55. Love or Lust? 
-Love
56. In a relationship? 
-Nope
57. How many relationships have you had? 
-None, it's gonna stay that way till the day i die by the looks of things...
58.Can you touch your nose with your tongue? 
-Nope, i'm not a lizard.
59. Where were you yesterday? 
-At the cinema with my closest friends.
60. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? 
-Yep, my pencil case
61. Are you wearing socks right now? 
-Yep
62. What's your favourite animal? 
-Wolves, i admire the pack mentality and the strength of trust they place in each other.
63. What is your secret weapon to get someone to get someone to like you? 
-I often sell myself as a two for one deal because of my gender crisis but in all fairness i don't like myself so...
64.Who is your best friend?
-All my friends are my best friends, but i feel most comfortable talking about my gender with my friend Bridget, she seems to get it all, ya know.
65. Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. 
-I don't go on Tumblr but i like the MTF confessions blog, it's nice to know i'm not the only one suffering with Gods Gender related fuck ups.
66.What is your Heritage? 
-English, with a bit of Welsh thrown in.
67. What were you doing last night at 12 AM? 
-Writing, it's a relief mechanism.
68. What do you think is Satan's Last name? 
-Something like Mary-Anne, the fuck type of question is that?
69. Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
-They would save this one till 69 wouldn't they. To answer only ever once. My dysphoria was bearable that day so i thought yeah why not. It was a miserable experience, which brought a fleeting moment of pleasure, which I've never repeated. i can barely stand to look at that useless pile of flesh between my legs yet alone touch it!!
70. Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
-Based on the daily reactions from my friends... No
71. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? 
-Jump in and save the dog. A job can be replaced, a life cannot. Plus by the sound of things the boss is an asshole anyway.
72. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month left to live. a) Do you tell anyone/ everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
-a) i would tell everyone, they deserve to know so they have time to prepare themselves should they wish to. b) i would spend my remaining day with my friends and close family, i would do all the things i wanted to but mainly just hang out with them and enjoy my last month, plus i'd tell this girl how I fell about her. c) No, i accepted my own mortality a long time ago, my one fear would be that i was remembered as a man and not the woman i truly am.
73. You can only have one of these things; trust or love. 
-Hell i've lived without love for such a long time, trust most likely. Although love is incredibly important.
74. What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
-The original Attack on Titan theme, it gets me so pumped and happy i forget my troubles.
75. What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 
-Hell if i know.
76. In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? 
-As sad a fact as it is, i've been single for so long i don't know... i couldn't tell you.
77. How can i win your Heart?
-Presuming anyone would want to date me, and we can ignore the stigma that comes from dating a Trans person which is incredibly damaging for the person dating me, Then the easiest way to my heart is to accept me for me. I'll love anybody who can do just that.
78. Can insanity bring on more creativity?
-Of course it can!
79. What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? 
-To stop living a lie and be the woman I truly am. I have yet to regret coming out, all thanks to my incredible friends.
80. What shoe size do you wear? 
-UK size 6 heels, size 8 flats.
81.What would be written on your tombstone?
-"Knighthood lies above eternity; it doesn't live off fame, but rather deeds." Dejan Stojanovic.
82. What is your favourite word? 
-Fuck.
83. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; Heart. 
-Broken...
84. What is a saying you say a lot?
-"I try, Bridget"
85. What's the last song you listened to? 
-Dead on Arrival-Attack on Titan soundtrack.
86.Basic Question; what's your favourite colour? 
-Purple
87. What's your desktop picture? 
-A teddy bear, courtesy of my sister.
88.If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? 
-The entirety of the West Borough Baptist Church, they're basically one organism and function off a hive mind structure.
89.What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? 
-"Who do you have a crush on?"
90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're standing around your bed. What do you do? 
-Depends what type of mummy we're talking about. If they are of the Egyptian variety i would ask them if they had alien help with the pyramids. If it's of the Human mother variety, well i am a lesbian and they are all around my bed...
91. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with any super-power of your choice! What is that power? 
-The ability to manipulate probability. Whats the probability all my friends get over their troubles, 100/100. Whats the probability i wake up as a biological woman capable of bearing children, 100/100. All problems are solved with a snap of my fingers.
92. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be half an hour thugh. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? 
-My first ever girls night, That was the happiest day of my life
93. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
-I wouldn't erase anything, as difficult as my life has been it's made me the woman i am today and i wouldn't change that for the world.
94. You have the opportunity to sleep with the celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
-Scarlett Johansson, as long as her husband doesn't mind. Hell he can join in if he wants.
95. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? 
-Los Angeles most likely.
96. Do you have any relatives in jail? 
-Not to my knowledge but it wouldn't surprise me if my father was.
97. Have you ever thrown up in a car? 
-Yeah once, but that was because it was severely ill and on the way to the hospital, not because of car sickness.
98. Ever been on a plane? 
-Yep
99. If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? 
-I would tell the every one that although the world is cruel, it is also incredibly beautiful and that i'm here to stand by the side of every human being so we can appreciate it together, no one should suffer in silence. Hopefully i would help to save the lives of some people.

Any way that concludes this 99 questions thingy, you all know a lot more about me now so. I tried to keep it light and cheery but i'm like 100% sure i failed that task.

Regardless, this is your Friendly Neighbourhood Transsexual signing off XOXO

To tell you the truth i'm scared... But i'm not sure why? XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Guess who!? That's right it's me, every bodies favorite depressive Transsexual Blogger. Here to post more emotional stuff ( don't worry i'm sure the other Sweethearts will soon get back to posting happy and uplifting things instead of my depressing bullshit)

I'm a Trans-woman we all know that. To be honest i'm the most open and honest Trans* person you'll likely ever hear from. As is common knowledge most transgender people will choose to have varying surgeries and therapies to become the person they truly are, I say most because this is not always the case as may be the way with me.

As one can imagine this is a lot of change and physical augmentation. In my case this would involve a lot of surgeries and varying chemical and hormonal therapies. The surgeries would give me a vagina, they would help to change my bone and facial structure and with optional therapies i could get a boob and bum augmentation to give me some added "Junk in the trunk". The hormones would change the inner workings of my body; i would develop boobs (up to a B cup at best) and cause fat to distribute to my hips giving me the curved figure of a natal woman.

On the side there are varying external changes that often take place before the surgery as is the current case with me. This will involve hair cuts and piercings. Things that are common place with the societal image of femininity.

These are the changes that i am currently going through. As a pre-surgery Trans-woman i am beginning to change my appearance to suit that of my Gender identity. I have cut my hair into a bob which will grow out over the years into the full blown style that i want. I have also very recently gotten my ears pierced. There is also bodily grooming on the side but that is something i shan't go into. ( I think we're all mature enough to know what i'm talking about)

These changes are incredibly minor compared to what i'll have to go through with the major surgeries later on. To be brutally honest i may well die during the surgeries and therapies that i'll under go. Yet here i am scared out of my mind over a haircut and ear piercing that I've already got. It seems as though i need to acquire some perspective doesn't it?

That's all very far off any way. I have yet to even get an appointment with a gender specialist (Although to the credit of my GP he is working his butt of trying to get me that appointment so i applaud him highly for that) Even so i would still have to be highly evaluated by several psychiatrist be clinically diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and the i would need to go through the 2 year real life application phase and then undergo hormone therapy for the majority of my life and have all the surgery. Hormonally i would be a woman after 4 years of therapy but still. I won't be done transitioning till i'm 25 at least, so there really is no point in worrying yet.

On another note my vitamin D levels are incredibly low. I think i mentioned before how low i was but i'm not sure so i'll tell you any way. If normal levels in the average human being are 200... I'm at 23!! I previously was deficient with a level of 19 but i was given pills to boost me wich got me well above 200. Any way i've dropped down and now i have to take pills that are 20,000 iu every week for three months and then maintain it with over the counter supplements. Basically i'm on the verge of falling apart. Yestarday i had some blood tests for the vitamin D and before that i had blood sent of with my referal. Long story short i was stabbed three times yesterday and four times the week before. Most times when that happens people end up 6ft under which is a strange thought.

Anyway, it seems that, while i'm scared with my transition, i have more pressing matters to worry about so my fear will be ignored. I'm a big girl i'm sure i'll manage.
Anyway, This is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual signing off XOXO

Life is a cruel and unforgiving mistress... and i'll fight her to the bitter end!!

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I'm going to be posting a bit more regularly now as it is the six weeks holiday here in the UK and i have nothing to do. Plus it helps me to vent emotions among other things because i am an unsociable creature who lacks any form of people skills so your my ranting buddy!!

I think you're all familiar with my depressing style of writing and my poor choice of topics, for an otherwise beautifully happy blog, and this week is no different. I'm going to talk about some of my life experiences both past and recent ones so buckle up because this might get rambly AF.

My life has been a rickety one to say the least. I've had my fair share of sadness in my life if i'm honest i would say life has been cruel and unfair to me. I've had more than i deserve but then again so have most people i know.

My father left me at a young age, the ripe old age of 7 to be precise, no warning or apology. He just up'ed and left, never to be seen again. That kicked my ass believe me. Then as i moved up to Secondary School i developed crippling anxiety. I was broken, i couldn't socialize, i couldn't talk, i had an average of five panic attacks a day and 90% of my day was spent crying. That happened solidly for two years until i some how managed to recover. Even then i had no friends and couldn't correctly socialize. I still can't to be honest, i make inappropriate comment and often try to hard to fit in. As a side note to anxiety i had mild depression. The two illnesses go hand in hand so that wasn't fun by any means. I have learnt to control my anxiety and as such my depression is all but gone, I still relapse though, this week saw my anxiety relapse harder than it normally does, Hello Insomnia!!

I was free of difficult life events for a while after my anxiety disappeared in year 9. It wasn't until late into year ten (i was 15 close to 16 at the time) that i truly began to question my gender. i had always felt a lot more feminine i just never really thought about it until i learned of transgenderism through the internet and it all sort of clicked into place. I of course told my friends who all took it well and then i told my family who didn't take it so well, but i'll explain that later. Any way that was one of scariest times of my life only rivaled by one other form of experience.

So one of the scariest times in my life happened at the start of September 2014, one of my closest friends developed extreme depression. we Skyped almost everyday so i began to see changes in her behaviour. She eventually told me she had been diagnosed with depression and that's when it went down hill. I spent every waking moment at school researching depression and cures, self help methods the lot. All in an attempt to help her. I put my grades and school work aside with the mentality that Grades can be saved, replaced. A life cannot. I stayed up to three in the morning with her almost every night just talking to her. i was her shoulder to cry on as she drowned in her sorrows and no matter what i did nothing ever came from it. I actually helped her and she began to improve but every time she did something came along and shattered the progress we had made and we were right back to square one. I truthfully cannot express the emotions i felt on those nights because i don't know any words to describe it. I didn't know emotions like the ones i felt existed until those dark days. I often went to school or two work spending the entire day wondering if she would be there when i got back. She often self harmed and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions when we talked.

I cannot tell you how unbelievably dark and strange it is to sit and watch someone you care about breakdown and give up on life before your very eyes. How they genuinely believe that it would be better to die than keep on suffering. But your powerless to do anything. You can't hug them or hold them you can only sit there and talk to them through i computer because they live on the opposite side of the country to you. That is an experience i would not wish upon the worst of human beings. In that instant i became an atheist, i still am to this day. I knew there was no God and never could have been one. No, a God would not let that happen to any human being, especially not one so kind and bubbly. I will never worship any deity so long as i live because religion is nothing more than a cruel fiction.

I believe she got over her depression eventually and i pray she never relapses. A while after that i came out publicly as transgender and began to live my life as the woman i always knew i was. I dressed in public and enjoyed life. I can thankfully say that everyone i know at school is supportive of me and i can transition safely around those i love. Unfortunately we have had some difficulties with people using my birth name instead of my new name and referring to me by male pronouns but, with time, i believe we will improve. I'll just have to keep reminding them.
On top of this, however, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. My family doesn't really support me, My grandparents think my identity to be nothing more than a phase, my mother thinks that i am outright psychologically damaged and that i should be cured thus restoring my masculinity and my sister is outright trans phobic. So i'll struggle on not knowing wear i might end up should i transition.

Anyway recently i went to an end of year party with some of my best friends. We had a lovely time and got drunk beyond belief but as the night went on some emotions came to the surface. And sadly one of my friends had a rather sad story to tell some of us. Something i never knew about her. I didn't her much and i have no right to ask her to tell me or to share her story on her. All i will say is that i really did hit close to home with me. I shared some of her experiences and i know what can happen as a result of those experiences. Hell i lived it all, brought the t-shirt and had to go back for round 2.
And seeing what happened to her and hearing what i did with her story really got me scared, because i can't see what happened to my Skype friend happen to her.

But among all the sadness that night, she gave me some of the best advice I've ever received. She said to me "Get the surgery. Be drop dead Gorgeous. And FUCKING slay!!!" Words i now live my life by. Words that i have framed on my wall because it is the best way for me to lead my life. I will be gorgeous and i will slay because i can and i have the right to. I made that promise lying on the kitchen floor of my friends house at three in the morning but i'll keep it. I made a promise to her and i owe it to her to keep it. I'm a woman of my word.

So at the end of all this crap what i'm trying to say is that i'll go on living my life, and i'll fight a war for 2 because i can take it. I'm still standing here today after everything life has put me through. So while life may be a cruel mistress, I'm the baddest Bitch around and i can give a good as i get!! So while my friends may suffer, while they may be sad, while they struggle to cope with the cruelties of life I'll stand right by their side and I'll "fucking slay" because i know what it means to go through all that suffering and all that heart ache. I'll hold their hand through it all no matter the cost because i cannot, No, I refuse to stand by and watch what happened to me, Happen to them. So guess what life, do your worst, Cos this bitch will come right back at you with the everything she's got!!!

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual saying, I'm with you till the end of the Line, folks. As Bri would say XOXO

Lets talk about guys....😁😅

Hey it's Summer again,

I decided that this time I was going to go down a different route and talk about something that I wouldn't usually talk about.

GUYS

Now the thing about guys is that they don't uhnderstand some of the things they do or say. They never think and the majority of them never will! Sorry to burst anyones bubble if you thought this would ever change!

Now- I'm not saying this is the case with all guys so don't go judging every single guy you meet so quickly and don't blame me either aha.

Me personally, I get fed up with guys who think that they can go around getting everything they want. A recent saying I have learnt for this is 'getting your cake and eating it'. Initially i didn't quite understand the meaning of such an odd saying, then I finally understood the general meaning of the phrase. Basically, you an't ask for something and get it straight away and you can't ask for lots of things and then expect them all to come true or happen.That's not how life works and sadly to some people they do not know or recognise this- a lot of the time MEN!

Now i am only writing this post because I have had issues a lot recently. To most people I would say 'don't give up, but right now that is what I have done'.

The thing I have noticed a lot with guys recently is that a fair few of them just want what most guys want, your body, pictures and the majority of the time no commitment!! What a god damn pain aye!! But sadly it's the truth with a fair share of guys. Damn I wish it wasnt, but hey, don't forget there are some good, nice, kind and gentle guys out there. So don't wish them all away. They aren't all bad- believe me😘

But when all goes wrong, don't forget you always have Netflix with great shows like my favourites Orange is the New Black and Pretty Little Liars! That's enough to keep me going through the day, knowing i have something to make the days seem normal and genuin. So yes, it would be nice to have a guy to watch it with but sometimes you just can't have everything at once- so Netflix subscription it is aha.

Can't a girl get a break Once in a while?

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

This time we're back to depressive posts and me venting my emotions. The natural order of things has been restored I know. Anyway i'm going to just went my thoughts and feelings, to be quite honest with you i wouldn't blame you if you just stopped reading now. This is your final warning.

First and foremost i'll start with something that really has me worried, surprise, surprise my anxiety has made a comeback and so my health begins to deteriorate slowly but surely. I have been quite terrified lately by this issue and thus have been struggling to put on a brave face every morning. I can't be sure of the issue because i can't tell if it's my friends joking or not but either way, danger lights are flashing in my brain!! I have lately developed this feeling that i am a very annoying person, i know my friends sometimes tell me how much of an idiot i am but this seems different.

For some reason i can't shake the feeling that my friends are trying to push me away, distance themselves from me, all of these small comments have really begun to play on my mind. For instance one of my friends would say something like "this is why your not invited to Saturday" or "i didn't say hello so i'm not gonna say goodbye". It seems that every time i see my friends they do not meet me with happiness but with irritation or malcontent. They seem to avoid me or act as if i don't exist.

Quiet frankly this has me, and if you'll pardon my french, Fucking terrified!! I have only ever felt true fear twice in my life and this is the second time I've felt it. I am dead scared that for some reason i have alienated those who i hold closest to me. I don't know what to do anymore... i honestly don't. I'm making an attempt to not say dumb shit or anything that is irritating but i often find myself avoiding conversation as best as i can, to scared to speak. I need these guys more than anything in this miserable life, i can't survive without them!! They are the only people who make me feel accepted in this world, the only people who make me feel normal. And i might just lose them because i'm a fucking idiot incapable of saying anything constructive or non irritating. Who knows anymore?

Another thing that has me bloody terrified, university. I am Transgender and i plan to transition around my friends, the very same ones that i might lose, because i desperately need their support. Yet my referral is still in the works after a year of waiting. Bare i mind the fact i need to live as a woman for two years under heavy psychic observation before i can get hormones. We come to the conclusion that i won't transition around them, i will be alone and without my closest friends during a time when i'll need them most. That's got me shit scared too!!

And another thing that i'm terrified about. I know that two of my closest friends are going abroad to study in university. One of them is going to Australia to study politics and international relations and my other friend is going to study in Germany or Austria. They're going abroad on their own, it terrifies me to think that something might happen to them. I can't help but worry that something might happen to them, or that i may never see them again. I care about them to much to just let them go.

Finally today my mother was diagnosed with glandular fever. it's not fatal and people can recover from it, but as a single parent raising to children on her own. i don't know if she can cope and still do her work and the housework and still find time to rest and recover. This doesn't help my anxiety one bit!!

Now something that has me upset rather than terrified. As a Trans-woman i have requested that people use my name and pronouns. most of my friends do use the correct pronouns and name which fills me with joy and pride. Yet some of my friends seem to make no effort, referring to me by my birth name and biological pronouns. I understand that people will slip up occasionally, I don't expect perfection. I am by no means a perfect Human being!! But when people don't try, that really makes me upset. It induces dysphoria every time i hear; he, him, etc. and my birth name. I struggle to cope sometimes.

In all honesty i feel like crying, i really don't feel like trying some days. I am terrified that i have lost my friends and can't work out what to do next. I'm not religious, in fact i'm atheist, but i might well pray tonight, perhaps ask for some divine advice...

Anyway, until next time, This is your friendly neighborhood Transsexual signing off XOXO

Lollie's Brain - University, Growing Up and Comic Con

Hello Internet People, Welcome Back!

It's been a criminally long time since I did an instalment of  'Lollie's Brain' for the first week of the month so, I'm presenting you with one this month to make up for all that painfully lost time.

I'm stressed again and it's not even year 13. I'm getting ill again because of it and I have a constantly sick feeling in my stomach. This unbearable sick feelings causes me to get nervous and worried over so many tiny little things and makes it almost impossible to focus on the things I should be doing and makes it so much easier to focus on the things that I probably shouldn't be doing, like watching TV shows or writing stories for Wattpad. 

I always feel as though the UK education system puts so much pressure and emphasis on getting a job or going to a university that it sort of swamps you and becomes all you focus on for two years of your existence. I had a sort of existential crisis not so long ago (Thank you Dan Howell for making me realise that...) and I suppose I just had the realisation that I don't even know what I want to do with my life at this present moment. I'd like to go to university, sure, but which one? now that is a completely different ball game. Today we attended a UCAs University convention and in total, I collected 29 University prospectus'... 29!I know have to whittle them down to my top 5! 

Enough with that, let's talk about something else. I feel old. I think it's because of the University thing and also, this year it's 10 years since the reboot of Who (Nu Who), my sister is leaving primary school to join secondary school with me and my brother and I'm transitioning into my last year of Sixth Form, Year 13. Time is a slut, she screws everybody. A lovely quote from The Fault In Our Stars, a very true one. Time is a precious thing, don't waste it on things or people that aren't important, spend it doing things you love and being with people that you love.

On another note, I'm very very excited as Payton and I have the privilege of meeting the one and only Catherine Tate (aka Donna Noble from Doctor Who) at LFCC - London Film and Comic Con - this July 19th. I only booked the tickets last week but feel as though I have been waiting for so long to meet a cast member from Nu Who and I'm so happy it's her. Donna was one of my favourite companions on the show and getting to meet Catherine will just be a huge honour. I'm hopefully going to be cosplaying as the 11th Doctor or maybe Clara as I didn't get to go to MCM Comic Con back in May. 

Speaking of cosplay, I brought my very first item of actual Clara Oswald cosplay last week. When I say 'actual' I mean a piece of clothing that is the same as the original one that she wears and isn't one that I've found in my wardrobe or at a charity shop. I also purchased another one a that came a few days ago and I'm very happy about it!

I haven't posted properly in a while and I'm going to start again, so, next week, I promise you 'How To Comic Con'. I've only ever been to one CC, but, I'm going to try my best and I hoe you all enjoy it!

Until Next Time, Allons-y!

Lollie xx

For once my posts aren't depressing, well sort of XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I return for my fourth blog post, no ranting, no raving and for once my emotions are under control, which truly is a miracle!! I have had a fairly busy past couple of weeks but i have really enjoyed them, so here's the download on my less than interesting life.

I suppose one of the highlights above all else was one of my Closest friends Birthday and she had a party at her house, nothing massive but still it was thoroughly enjoyable!! It was a girls night in (Apart from one of our friends who is a guy, and well we all know about me) We watched Guardians of the Galaxy, great movie and ate plenty of yummy food. Basically we spoilt ourselves. Truly that was a great night, i do love my girls nights, they really do help when times are difficult. I also saw one of my other best friends perform live with his band, his band was so good they asked for two encores!! I also went to visit several universities up and down the country which was fairly fun if not slightly boring...

I have also started varying activities outside of school which help me cope with my dysphoria and if anything they kill boredom and time. After a lesson in Philosophy involving the skill of knitting (don't ask me why i couldn't tell you even if i wanted to) i decided that i would take it up at home and have since begun trying to knit a nice red scarf for myself. it should be done by winter if my knitting skills hold up. On top of that i have begun to write a novel, nothing fun just the standard inter-species war spanning our galaxy. Lots of fun and games. Anyway here's a small extract from the first page of the book;

The field erupted into a hail of fire, the sky above burned a deep yellow as the planet's distant star creeped down behind the horizon. Night would soon engulf this side of the planet, three hours of light and then darkness. Had this been a normal day the fields would be quiet, nothing more than the rustling of trees and the varying noises of the indigenous fauna, the grass would sway in the wind and the planet would continue to revolve around it's star, the natural process of life. But this was not a normal day. No, there were no longer trees or grass and the fauna were all but extinct, this planet was a dead world now. In place of trees huge artillery platforms towered above the battlefield, a forest of steel bellowing smoke. The Grass no longer grew, there was little more than mud and corpses left in the wake of nature. The world was grey, no colour save for the bronze shells from guns, trodden deeper into the ground with each passing hour. 

Probably not the greatest work of fiction you've ever read but i'm rather enjoying writing it and it makes for a bit of fun now and then. Nobody has read this and i haven't told anyone that i'm writing it so forgive the poor grammar of lack of plot, I've never written anything like this before.

I'm going to a barbecue on Saturday so that ought to be really fun, socializing with all the people I love, i can hardly wait to eat all the stuff i shouldn't and have a great time, i can tell you now that i need this. I have been stressing hard and didn't get the greatest of news from my doctor but hey, i said nothing depressing so i'll stick to it!!

Anyway, until next time, This is your friendly neighborhood Transsexual signing off XOXO

Here we go with the depressing stuff, Again... Sorry XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Back again with my third post on this blog and once again we're moving back into the region of sad and depressing thoughts and feelings, I really lower the mood when it comes to the blog and I've only been here for three weeks!!!

This is not really going to be coherent and i'm pretty much just thought tracking so apologies for the incoherent babble that is about to follow this sentence.

As your all aware i'm a MTF Trans-Woman and i'm pre-op, meaning I've still got a piece of flash in between my legs. Which would be all well and good if it weren't for my sexuality... I'm attracted to Women making me a lesbian. This is were most of my dysphoria comes from, I often spend days at a time wondering if it's possible for me to ever find love in my current state?

As a Lesbian Trans-Woman it is pretty much impossible for me to find love in today's society. Straight women won't date me because i'm a cross dresser, I present as a woman, even then if they could get past the way I dress, i'll cause them to question their sexuality. Are they still straight because I am biologically Male or are they Lesbian because I present as a woman. Society will see them as Lesbian before and after I transition. Something a straight girl will not want, that kind of stigma is to damaging to form the basis of a relationship on.

Lesbian women won't want to date me because I still have that useless piece of flesh between my legs. This makes me a man biologically and due to this fact, no lesbian women would want me. Then even if I do transition, will they date me because i used to be a male. i will never be able to bear a child and that is a fact that would put off quite a lot of women.

Bisexual people are unlikely to want to date me because of the aforementioned stigma attached to Trans people. Dating someone like me tends to result in a damaged reputation, an unsafe environment and having derogatory insults thrown at them. Something no human being deserves or needs, leaving them out of the question in a relationship.

Finally because i am a Lesbian not even the Transvestic fetishists will want to touch me, nor would i want to touch them, that defeats the concept of my sexuality.

The saddest part for me is I still form attachments, I've grown to really like this girl at school over these past years, I often feel like she's the only one I can talk to about my gender identity and still feel comfortable in doing so. Yet due to her sexuality and the fact that i'm a TRANS-Woman, she will likely never want to date me, leaving me often feeling very alone.
The feeling is likely going to stay with me forever, it seems at this point in time that love is something out of my reach but unfortunately I cannot stop myself from loving anymore than I can stop the sun from rising in the morning.

Once again I apologize for the depressing nature of this post, but these thoughts have been playing on my mind for a long time now and I felt like I had to get them off of my chest, hopefully ease the dysphoria.

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual signing off :') XOXO