As the title states, Today i fucked up. Today, for the first time in a while, i got overwhelmed. I like to think of myself as a big girl who can give as good as she get's but i sort of crumbled to today. I spent the most part of my afternoon slowly drowning my sorrows and then napping followed by drowning my sorrows some more.
Surprisingly i didn't cry, normally i would but the tears didn't come... strange. Nothing major has even happened in my life. There was no death in the family or in my close friends. I've had a fairly happy week to be honest, but i crumbled. My dysphoria absolutely destroyed me, and i guess as a result everything else kicked in...
I tend to preach a lot about ignoring body consciousness. I preach about being proud of yourself, loving you for you and ignoring what people say. I guess it's because at the root of it all i can't stand to see it happen to people when everyday of my life is ruled by disgust in my own body. I can't stand to look in a mirror because it cripples me... To see my broad shoulders and my flat, masculine figure. It fills me with what i can only describe as anguish. I try to make myself look more feminine with every passing day. I put implants into my bra, i blend makeup to get rid of my facial hair. Hell i even tried to 'tuck' the other day just to feel more feminine. I've waited over a year for a referral to see a gender specialist and i managed to get a reply back in early July-June, they wanted some forms and blood samples which i happily filled out and was straight in to get my bloods taken. I was worried because the time frame to reply to the referral was so short, but i had faith that it would be sent off and i would have a reply before August... Well it's august and still no reply, I went to the doctors for more blood tests and the form still hadn't been sent off. The deadline had been missed and now i await for the reply "You have missed the deadline, please re-submit a referral form and wait to hear from your GP."
I'll be brutally honest here folks, i don't know if i can make it through another year of waiting for a referral? I live as a woman but it's a miserable existence at that. I might put on my makeup and wear female clothes. I might shave my legs and i might wear a bra and underwear but every time i look down... i see a chest with no boobs. Every time is shower, i have to be reminded that i am in fact a man.
As a cis person, you live in certainty. You wake up every day and you have these fixed criteria in your life. You know that your either a brother or a sister, a son or a daughter, a mother or a father. I don't have that certainty, i don't know if i'll be a mother? That's what kills me the most inside... I don't know if i'll ever be a mother. I don't know if i'll ever be able to look into the eyes of my future wife and share the knowledge that i have a child and that i am a mother. I think at this point i'd hit the whiskey...
I then moved onto not really giving a shit about myself anymore. I started to worry about my friends. I share this blog with six other incredible women. Girls that took me in without question. They accepted me as one of the Girls and for that i can never repay them!! These girls make me feel good about myself in a world that is hell bent on driving me out because I try to be who I am.
That's why i care about them so much. That's why i worry about them so much. I've seen some stuff in my time, stuff that no person should ever have to endure yet time and time again i see my friends suffer. I guess that's why i fight so hard to keep them happy. Because i know how the story ends, and that's not how i want it to end for them.
I know that one of my friends has depression and as a result she has varying other illnesses as a result of comorbidity. I know that one of my friends has issues regarding family and possibly self-consciousness. I deliberate haven't named names for privacy reasons but you get my point. I've seen this happen before and i guess i'm scared for what might happen... I need these girls more than i need air and if i could trade my small amount of happiness in exchange for their suffering than i'd do it in a heartbeat. Because those girls deserve happiness more than anything in the world. Because they gave this Woman a glimmer of hope.
So i guess what i'm trying to say is i had a somewhat drunken realization that caused my mind to sort of collapse for a couple of hours. Anyway, my head is telling me my mistakes and based on the fact i have work tomorrow i sort of want to curl up and never come out, ever!! But i already came out once (Badum tss) so i guess i can do it again.
P.S morale of the story is don't drown your sorrows because in the end, they'll drown you right back as you can probably tell by this post.
Anyway, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual reminding you, Please drink responsibly etc.
XOXO
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