First and foremost, if you celebrate any festivals or holidays around this time, i hope you have a wonderful time surrounded by those you love most in this world. Love is the most beautiful thing in this world and i sincerely hope you have the pleasure of experiencing it this month. To all those who have no one to spend this time of the year with, i send my love to you, we can celebrate together in spirit.
I'll pre-warn you and say that i'm sorry in advance for the rant that i'm about to go on but i need to get some stuff off my chest. This will probably post on Christmas day but i'm writing it in advance because i probably won't have internet around Christmas because people will expect me to spend it with my family (topic of today's rant) so if you are in some form of happy and festive mood i suggest you click away now and wait until the festivities are over, lest i dampen your mood, something i sincerely hope not to do. I am writing this at 11:50pm on December 22. So it's 2 days prior to christmas (just about) so forgive the unfestive nature of this post.
Family. A group of people who you are likely connected to through genetics and emotional bonds. These people are supposed to make you feel special. Supposed to make you feel on top of the world because they should strive for you to achieve. Often i find this not to be the case. Family is often a notion that is broken and mutilated in today's world.
I'm here to tell you that you owe NOTHING to your family or any form of blood relation. Especially if they make you feel like shit and treat you without any respect.
I lost half my family when i was seven. My "Father" was an abusive man who beat my mum in front of my two year old self. He subjected my mum to emotional abuse for years and then packed up his shit and fucked off without even saying goodbye to me or even my sister. He took everything from me when i was seven. I often spend time at night wondering if he's the reason i'm pretty messed up? Why i have no sense or comprehension of morality. Why i have chronic anxiety. Why i'm Transgender. I owe him nothing. I'm connected to him through genetics but nothing more. He was a cruel and vindictive man and i often lay awake at times thinking upon ways to end his life. If anything i owe it to the world to end him and make the world a fraction of a better place. (That would be the mercenary side of me speaking, except i'd happily kill that man for fucking free!!!!).
So i lost one half of my family in an instant without any chance to say goodbye, worst part, i actually loved some of the family i had on that side. Having them taken from me in the space of a day without the chance to say my final goodbyes was like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
So of course me and my sister were solely raised by my mum for the most part of our lives. And i like to think she's done a damn good job, despite our hiccups. But shit started to decline when i came out as Transgender. As i slowly moved forward, edging closer and closer to womanhood, she stayed back in the time before i came out. She kept calling me by my male pronouns and my male name. I forgave her to begin with because i chalked it up to her still learning. Now after almost half a year as a woman, every use of my male name is like a knife in the throat, and each time i want to cry.
My Grandparents are fun to (SARCASM!!). They wanted, my mum, sister and I to travel down to there's for christmas. I was all for it, see the family i've grown up around and be happy (Even though my mum and I don't celebrate christmas for different reasons). I was excited at first, then came the one condition. I have to be a man, i have never felt more like shit than in that moment. My family stated that it would make everyone more comfortable at christmas. EVERYONE BUT ME!!! This i were i reaffirm that you owe your family nothing. My family reduced me to one of the saddest, most dysphoric forms purely because it would make christmas easier.
The worst part for me is the guilt i often feel. As a person who grew up in a small family, i am deeply attached to everyone in my family. So when i snap at my mum because she called me by my old name, and she hits me with the sob story of how she's trying to adjust and get my name right, i sit there and feel bad because i snapped at the woman who single handedly raised me. I ignore all the times she devalued my identity and said it was just a phase, or some form of childhood trauma. And somehow i'm the villian of a crime i didn't even commit. Or when i get upset because my Grandparents want me to be something i'm not, they tell me to do it for the rest of the family. I feel guilty because i feel as though i owe it to these people to make sure that i make them happy as they made me happy. But at what self cost do i go to to ensure happiness. When is the debt paid?
So like i said, you owe nothing to your family. There is no obligation to ensure that you play by their rules. Especially if they are cruel or malicious towards you.
I hope that i will be able to heal the wounds caused by my family because, deep down, i know i still love them. But i know for some people this is not the case, and some wounds can't be healed. So if a membe of your family has driven you to feel hatred towards them. Don't feel bad, i have heard stories from some of my closest friends about incidents with their family, and i know in their position i would feel hatred. My one piece of advice is don't hold onto the hatred, that emotion destroys you more than the person you direct that hate at. I know that for a fact. And don't let the hate make you feel guilty. Sometimes, family isn't truly family.
So while i must spend christmas with my family, as an awkward shadow of my former self. I'm sure that their is some hope to be had out their for all of us. I will suffer through christmas because i know that when i return to my lipstick and pencil skirts. My friends will be their for me. And i guess that's what keeps me going at the moment. The beautiful, incredible, wonderful, glorious (the list could go on for several pages, seriously) people i get the privilege of calling my friends. I love each one of them more than i could put into words, even if i do fail at being a friend sometimes.
Anyways, enough ranting for today, i feel a bit better for that rant already. Until next time, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off and saying please stay safe while you celebrate at this time of the year. I'd like to see you all safe and sound in 2016 please.
XOXO
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