Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,
I'm back again for my second post on this blog and already things are going to begin to start getting depressive. (Sorry but as i said last week i rant and stuff so brace yourself). This post will probably address a few issues and things but i'm just venting emotions and stuff so yeah.
As you all know from my last post i'm a Trans Woman. I'm biologically Male but every fibre of my being cries out to be feminine. As one may guess this has lead to, at times what can only be called, a very sad life at times. For many years i would look at myself in the mirror and be filled with nothing but disgust, a form of self-loathing that i am unable to describe in words. At one point in my life i had to avoid all forms of mirrors or anything that cast a reflection lest my dysphoria skyrocket and i plunge into a pit of unbearable sadness.
Very few people know what it is like to feel as though your biological sex does not match your gender. Did you know that there are only 10,000 Trans women in the UK out of the 64 million people living on this small chunk of land. And i have tried to describe some of the emotions i feel most of the time, regardless of how i dress or how much i cake myself in makeup. I'll often look like some form of sex worker with all the make up i have on, it's a very strange sensation to look at your body and be filled with so many negative emotions; Hatred, Anger, Sadness....
I have suffered with crippling Anxiety on top of this, coupled with this in a form of comorbidity were depressive symptoms, so the holy trinity of life changing mental illnesses. Coupled with extremely low self-esteem and you have one hell of a cocktail to base your life on. I'll toss in another fact for you, around 45% of Transgender individuals have attempted or at least contemplated suicide in their life time. I can thankfully say i am not in this statistic, but that number is to high. The same can be said for any suicide statistic. A life is a life, a precious thing to be treasured and allowed to flourish!!
This rant may seem long winded and convoluted but i need to rant and put this out there. I know people with depression, i know people with cripplingly Low self-esteem and sadly i can say i have seen what these things can do first hand and i'm still haunted by those experiences, i probably will be till the day i die. Hey it's the reason i want to become a Psychiatrist, hopefully i can help people battle these illnesses and see they value they have within themselves, help them see all that they are capable of, everything the ever could be and every reason why they are essential to this planet and the flourishing nature of the human race.
I know how cliche the phrase, "It gets better" sounds, believe me whenever i saw it i would role my eyes and make statements such as "yeah right!!" through tear filled eyes, but i am living breathing proof that things do get better!!! My anxiety has died down, it's still there but it's calmer and I've learned to cope with it, I've begun to transition into my true self and guess what, i can finally look in a mirror and remain happy at the girl staring back, and as a result my self esteem has begun to rise!!
The change will not be overnight, it took me a year to get a reply back on my referral to the London GIC, and it took me years to conquer my anxiety, but i can promise there will be change!!
So at the end of the day i beg you to see the value within yourself no matter how small and to keep fighting the battles that you have to. you may feel out maned, outgunned, and outclassed but you are essential to this world, you may be the next Einstein; the next Martin Luther King; the next Caitlyn Jenner who knows, but i can promise no one will ever know if you give up. Things will get bad at times and people will give up on you. Thankfully i have been blessed with the most incredibly supportive and beautiful group of friends who never even questioned their friendship with me even when i came out as Transgender and i can't and don't thank them enough for everything they have ever done for me!!! So even if people do give up on you be aware that i won't give up on you!!
So if ever you need a mother or a sister or just somebody to talk to, then just hit me up on my e-mail
philip.searle2@btinternet.com :)
I will never give up on you, i love you all more than i could ever express, so promise me you won't give up, promise me you'll smile today, promise me you will look at yourself and see the worth within yourself, promise me you won't stop fighting :)
As Bri would say, I'm with you till the end of the line, folks <3
This is your friendly neighborhood Transsexual signing off XOXO
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