We've been missing! - Lollie

Hello people of the planet, Lollie here.
A very tired, exhausted Lollie but none the less, I am here.
Even though the girls and I don't post on here as much any more, we still actively talk on a groupchat on Facebook that we have. Belle pointed out yesterday that this blog has over 8000 views now! That's insane!
I thought I'd come back and give you all a little update on what's been happening since the last time I got round to posting anything.
I'm at universtiy now - that's right, I'm finally a uni student. I got the grades (just) to study Journalism at the University of Bedfordshire and I'm loving it. I'm learning lots that I didn't know about journalism as well as improving my existing skill further.
I have a lovely group of friends here and I'm part of the Musical Theatre Society. We meet every week on a Thursday for two hours and do incredible workshops. We also have a circle (like a social drinking game thing before you go out to the clubs) on a Wednesday night which is really fun and I look forward to that every week.
My lectures are on Monday's and Tuesday's and I have to catch the bus to Milton Keynes from Bedford because there is no student accommodation at the Milton Keynes campus.
I am also just starting to become part of a radio show on Secklow Sounds radio in MK which is exciting. I was on the show on Thursday for the first time but I'm going to be there regularly along with other people on my course.
Besides uni, I've done a lot since I last wrote on here. I went to Brighton Pride with Valerie and a few of my other LGBTQ friends. I had the best day ever and the weather was so lovely I actually got sunburnt!
I went away for 5 weeks to see my dad and I worked in the bar whilst I was there. Those 5 weeks were probably the longest 5 weeks of my life as I felt very lonely out there. However, I did have something to keep me company - My ukulele!
Yes, I finally decided to learn to play another instrument that wasn't the piano. I picked up the chords for the ukulele surprisingly quickly and I spent my whole holiday learning songs and even writing a few of my own which helped to clear my head.
When I got back from my 5 weeks holiday, I started work. Yes, I went to work over the summer. I worked in at an accountancy firm in my home town. I was originally scheduled and paid to work for a month, however, they moved offices and needed me to stick around a little longer than a month in order to help them move. I worked on my birthday but I took a day off for results day.
Over this time, I also went to Summer in the City (SITC) for the first time ever with Payton and another friend of mine and honestly it was one of the best weekends! I got to meet two out of three of The Midnight Beast (TMB) who I'd loved since Year 7 and then I got to see TMB perform live. I also met Jedward and for anyone that knows me, they know I may have a small love for Jedward (Although I do my best to hide it). John and Edward were honestly two of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting in my life.
After results day and finishing work finally, my dad came back to the UK, because, after trying for two years, him and my step mum had finally managed to sell our house in the UK. I travelled there to go and stay in my house one last time and honestly it was very emotional. I had grown up in  that house and everywhere I looked there was some kind of memory with someone. I also met the new owners of the house. They seemed lovely, They had two daughters and I couldn't help but cry realising what a wonderful childhood they would have in that house. I told their mum that that house was one of the best places you could hope to grow up in. I hope they don't change the house too much, I'd like to visit one day, just to see what they've done with the place.
After that emotional four days, I went back home to see my family, finished packing (which I had been doing progressively for over a month by this point) and I said goodbye to the friends who were still there. By this point, Payton had already gone to uni and so had Valerie and Ash, so it was just Bri, Belle, Summer and I. We went to the carnival funfair together and I got a little bit tearful saying goodbye.
It's now only a month till I'm back fro christmas and I'm super excited to see everybody again!
I hope you enjoyed this little update, I'm not even sure you care but it feels good to write down an document everything that's been happening in my life for the past three to four months. I hope to be back soon with an update or a review or something (now that I know how to write reviews properly).

Until Next Time

Allons-y!

Lollie x

The ever absent Seven Sweethearts - Lollie

Since this blog started back in 2014, a lot has changed. All Seven of us have changed, grown and moved on.
In September, we'll all be going off to uni or apprenticeships and it'll be difficult for us to meet up. I guess I'm going to try and post here in order to update the girls on what's going on for me when we cant see each other anymore.
I haven't posted properly in a long while, I hope to try and change that when I have some more time after exams. I flying to Cyprus again at the end of June so I'm hoping that'll give me some time to write about my adventures while I'm away.
There's nothing exciting happening recently. Bri and I performed Eclipse by Simon Armitage at the Mercury Theatre in Colchester as part of the Nation Theatre Connections Festival and we are waiting to hear whether we will get to perform at the Nation Theatre in London. I secured a D in my business coursework and I've finished that course forever and I have also discovered some new shows which I will hopefully be talking about very soon on here (if all goes to plan).
That's it for now, hope all is well with everyone
Until next time, Allons-y! Lollie xx

I can't think of a decent title.... XOXO

Hello, Ladies Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Lets face it... Much to my dismay this blog is dead. None of us ever post and after events that have unfolded over the past months it'll probably remain that way. I plan to try and post as frequently as i can but i'm one of Seven Sweethearts. I can't do a good job on my own but i'll try and keep it alive for as long as i can... Sorry.

Where to begin? What to talk about?
My mental health has since deteriorated from the last time i posted. I have Depression now. Still very little head way made on the standing of my transition. I'm failing school miserably as per normal for me. Things have collapsed around me and as usual i was powerless to stop it.... Standard for me.

Being as this blog is pretty much solely run by me now i should probably fill you in, let you know what's going to happen in my life so you know what boring shit to expect for next time i post...

• I have a date on Friday. Me and a Girl are going stargazing together and we plan to have a picnic. I just really hope i don't screw this up because i really like her. 
• I have another appointment at the Gender Clinic in April. I have a blood test on Wednesday. 
• Me and the aforementioned girl might have a second date planned as well.

That's it... i'm really sorry that i can't be more interesting. Wish i could be.

So basically due to a conflict of interests The Seven Sweethearts may well be over. This blog may collect dust and die or i might keep it alive as a little section to vent... 

Sorry this post isn't long but i'm feeling pretty depressed at the moment. The Seven Sweethearts made me so happy and to see our little group, the group that took me in as a woman long before anyone else did... to see that all crumble like everything else i love. It just really hurts... 

This is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, saying sorry that this collapsed, i really wish i could be a better blogger...

XOXO

Happy New Year and All that stuff XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I'm actually posting on a Thursday, would you look at that! And the New Years looming on the horizon, it must be some end of day's miracle.

"We interrupt your scheduled ranting to bring you a happy and nice post"
That's right people, i'm not ranting!! Okay, hold the cheers for a second i know it's a miracle but i figured we should start off the New Year with some positivity. So i have a nice download on my life and my movements forward into 2016.

    I'll start of with the trend of this "New Year, New Me" rubbish. People claiming to change and exercise and make a genuine difference to their life in the new year. Most of the time it's rubbish, yet i regret to inform you that i have fallen victim to this trend.
    That's right. Thanks to Bri i have decided to get in decent shape and try to become slightly sexy. Me and her have begun to do varying exercise routines. I have recently begun a diet which is high in estrogen which should help my figure when combined with an exercise plan to give me an hourglass figure. On top of that i've started running regularly. New Year, New Me? More like New Year, New pair of Legs please!!
    I've decided to start exercising because; 1) I am very unhealthy and could probably benefit from the exercise. 2) I'd like to be somewhat sexy, something i am not at the moment. 3) I am slowly beginning to transition and i'd like to have the figure to match the body by the time i've got all the surgery.

Linking on from this topic, In January i have an appointment for Social Anxiety and Depression. Basically their gonna assess me and see how i am and then refer me for treatment. Which should, hopefully improve my social skills. I will also have my second appointment at the Gender Clinic in April which is a very exciting step for me and if all goes well, i'll be onto the Real Life Application phase of my transition which is BIG.

I have also recently begun to watch Steven Universe, a quirky little TV show that has some brilliant humor in it and some very catchy songs to boot. i am very much enjoying the show and have nearly finished it. This has also lead me to join a group of Cosplayers with my Friend. Cosplaying is something i've always wanted to do for fun, i just never had the money. Now i do i figured why not join a group and go for it. The people in the group are very lovely and i look forward to Cosplaying with them in the future and actually meeting them in person. We plan to do a Steven Universe cosplay as a group, where i will be the character Peridot. Needless to say i am very excited!!

I have also recently decided to begin playing guitar again. I wasn't very good to begin with but i had some insensitive jerk destroy my confidence because i messed up a song in performing arts and he never let it go. I have decided to begin playing again and just ignore his comments. I'm gonna play for me not for the world. Hopefully i'll be good enough to play some Paramore songs or some Heavy Metal. Probably not.

I have also begun to get back into reading again. I have recently started reading the works of H.P. Lovecraft. I am very impressed by his works. Some of the horror stories still chill me now, even though they were written in the 1920's!!! I can see why they call this man the father of moral horror. When i'm done i also have some books on stand by. I have the next book in my Warhammer 40k series which is a 46 book saga, so i have some material to keep me occupied. I plan to also reread To Kill a Mockingbird and it's sequel Go Set a Watchman. Two fantastic books.

I guess you could say i have a fun filled 2016 ahead of me, at least i think so. Hopefully i'll actually get somewhere in the coming year. Anyway, to all of you, Happy New Year to you all, don't get to drunk and make sure you spend the night responsibly (all that crap). And i guess i'll see you all in the new year.

This is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, saying, On Behalf of the Seven Sweethearts, Happy New Year, see you all in 2016 you beautiful people!! 

XOXO

Time for a rant... sorry it comes on Christmas but it works with my life XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

First and foremost, if you celebrate any festivals or holidays around this time, i hope you have a wonderful time surrounded by those you love most in this world. Love is the most beautiful thing in this world and i sincerely hope you have the pleasure of experiencing it this month. To all those who have no one to spend this time of the year with, i send my love to you, we can celebrate together in spirit.
I'll pre-warn you and say that i'm sorry in advance for the rant that i'm about to go on but i need to get some stuff off my chest. This will probably post on Christmas day but i'm writing it in advance because i probably won't have internet around Christmas because people will expect me to spend it with my family (topic of today's rant) so if you are in some form of happy and festive mood i suggest you click away now and wait until the festivities are over, lest i dampen your mood, something i sincerely hope not to do. I am writing this at 11:50pm on December 22. So it's 2 days prior to christmas (just about) so forgive the unfestive nature of this post.

Family. A group of people who you are likely connected to through genetics and emotional bonds. These people are supposed to make you feel special. Supposed to make you feel on top of the world because they should strive for you to achieve. Often i find this not to be the case. Family is often a notion that is broken and mutilated in today's world.
I'm here to tell you that you owe NOTHING to your family or any form of blood relation. Especially if they make you feel like shit and treat you without any respect.

I lost half my family when i was seven. My "Father" was an abusive man who beat my mum in front of my two year old self. He subjected my mum to emotional abuse for years and then packed up his shit and fucked off without even saying goodbye to me or even my sister. He took everything from me when i was seven. I often spend time at night wondering if he's the reason i'm pretty messed up? Why i have no sense or comprehension of morality. Why i have chronic anxiety. Why i'm Transgender. I owe him nothing. I'm connected to him through genetics but nothing more. He was a cruel and vindictive man and i often lay awake at times thinking upon ways to end his life. If anything i owe it to the world to end him and make the world a fraction of a better place. (That would be the mercenary side of me speaking, except i'd happily kill that man for fucking free!!!!).

So i lost one half of my family in an instant without any chance to say goodbye, worst part, i actually loved some of the family i had on that side. Having them taken from me in the space of a day without the chance to say my final goodbyes was like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
So of course me and my sister were solely raised by my mum for the most part of our lives. And i like to think she's done a damn good job, despite our hiccups. But shit started to decline when i came out as Transgender. As i slowly moved forward, edging closer and closer to womanhood, she stayed back in the time before i came out. She kept calling me by my male pronouns and my male name. I forgave her to begin with because i chalked it up to her still learning. Now after almost half a year as a woman, every use of my male name is like a knife in the throat, and each time i want to cry.

My Grandparents are fun to (SARCASM!!). They wanted, my mum, sister and I to travel down to there's for christmas. I was all for it, see the family i've grown up around and be happy (Even though my mum and I don't celebrate christmas for different reasons). I was excited at first, then came the one condition. I have to be a man, i have never felt more like shit than in that moment. My family stated that it would make everyone more comfortable at christmas. EVERYONE BUT ME!!! This i were i reaffirm that you owe your family nothing. My family reduced me to one of the saddest, most dysphoric forms purely because it would make christmas easier.

The worst part for me is the guilt i often feel. As a person who grew up in a small family, i am deeply attached to everyone in my family. So when i snap at my mum because she called me by my old name, and she hits me with the sob story of how she's trying to adjust and get my name right, i sit there and feel bad because i snapped at the woman who single handedly raised me. I ignore all the times she devalued my identity and said it was just a phase, or some form of childhood trauma. And somehow i'm the villian of a crime i didn't even commit. Or when i get upset because my Grandparents want me to be something i'm not, they tell me to do it for the rest of the family. I feel guilty because i feel as though i owe it to these people to make sure that i make them happy as they made me happy. But at what self cost do i go to to ensure happiness. When is the debt paid?
So like i said, you owe nothing to your family. There is no obligation to ensure that you play by their rules. Especially if they are cruel or malicious towards you.

I hope that i will be able to heal the wounds caused by my family because, deep down, i know i still love them. But i know for some people this is not the case, and some wounds can't be healed. So if a membe of your family has driven you to feel hatred towards them. Don't feel bad, i have heard stories from some of my closest friends about incidents with their family, and i know in their position i would feel hatred. My one piece of advice is don't hold onto the hatred, that emotion destroys you more than the person you direct that hate at. I know that for a fact. And don't let the hate make you feel guilty. Sometimes, family isn't truly family.

So while i must spend christmas with my family, as an awkward shadow of my former self. I'm sure that their is some hope to be had out their for all of us. I will suffer through christmas because i know that when i return to my lipstick and pencil skirts. My friends will be their for me. And i guess that's what keeps me going at the moment. The beautiful, incredible, wonderful, glorious (the list could go on for several pages, seriously) people i get the privilege of calling my friends. I love each one of them more than i could put into words, even if i do fail at being a friend sometimes.

Anyways, enough ranting for today, i feel a bit better for that rant already. Until next time, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off and saying please stay safe while you celebrate at this time of the year. I'd like to see you all safe and sound in 2016 please. 

XOXO

Morality... a funny little construct XOXO

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

I'm back again for another post. This one, unlike my prior two, will be back to exploring controversial topics and how my views on them are ones that will likely offend the cast majority of people (sorry in advance).

When i was younger, and i used to be a man, i wanted to be a mercenary. "Why on earth would you want to be that!?" I hear you cry. Because it could be defined as easy money, Blood money, but nonetheless easy if you know what you are doing. "How Immoral" people often say when i disclose this former career choice, and to be honest they are right. I was, for about 7 years, perfectly comfortable with the idea of putting a bullet through someones head for a couple of grand. Why wouldn't i want too!? It would take me a year to get that much money in a standard job when i could get it in a week at the expense of several magazines of ammo and the travel to which ever part of the world. I could retire at thirty and live in some great house with a nice car and everything i could ever want.

A lot of people also ask me why i didn't just join the military and do that kind of thing legally. This leads me onto the main topic of debate in today's post. Rules and morals. I hated the concept of military service because there are to many rules. And let me tell you something kiddo, rules get you killed.

This was a topic of debate between me and my friends several weeks ago which became somewhat heated. (I hope i didn't upset any of them.) I wanted to argue that rules in war are pointless when the enemy has no rules. My friends, being the beautifully moral people they are (i love that aspect of them, never ceases to make me smile), defended the concept of rules because they keep barbarity and chaos to a minimum, their prime example was the attempted genocide of the Jewish people by the Nazi's in WWII. Arguably this is true and such an atrocity should never, ever be allowed to happen again, but when we are fighting and enemy like Daesh, who have no rules or sense of morality. We continue to lose troops and ground because we have to obey rules.

I wanted to be a mercenary because i could be as brutal and as cruel as i deemed necessary to ensure i survived and the job was done. In the military if we were clearing an area and some enemy fighters had surrendered, we would need to keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't attack us from behind. In my mercenary eyes, i would simply put a bullet in them and move on or "interrogate" them, kill them and then move on. I could do what no military could because they are bound by human rights and the geneva convention. But when we look at Daesh, these are people who deserve no human rights because they are not humans, they are animals, and should be slaughtered as such. A military couldn't hunt and kill them because it is immoral and cruel. A mercenary could hunt and kill them, torture those they know for information and make examples out of them. Spread fear through there ranks like a disease. A group of PMC's could do so much more than a group of soldiers could because they aren't forced to stick to rules made by men who have never seen combat in their life, not to mention the fact that the rules are outdated and applied to wars from the early 1900's.

HELL think what a group of government sanctioned mercenaries could do, given diplomatic immunity and the means to do what an army couldn't and you could bring down any regime with a snap of your fingers. Then just attribute the success to your "brilliant" military genius and tactics. Then keep them on the payroll, when history refuses to co-operate, we make it.

Of course this is only my view on the matter. It is highly unlikely i'll be a mercenary any time soon. I haven't had any training and don't have the means to get military grade weaponry and body Armour. I'd have to be Bruce Wayne to afford something like that. And then there is the fact that i cry at almost any sad movie and care to much about my friends to go out with a gun in my hand and ruthlessly kill any who stand in my way.
But the basis is still there, for seven years i did want to be a mercenary, for seven years i was happy with being a ruthless killer, for seven years i was happy with erasing all of my morals in the pursuit of blood money. That kind of mentality is hard to undo, and the lack of morality is something that has stayed with me. As i mentioned earlier i often have debates with my friends and my lack of morality and conscience shines through. We discussed earlier this month the topic of the Syria bombings, all of my friends oppose the actions of the military except me, who believes firmly that these bombings are good and should help to hunt and eliminate the inhuman animals we call Daesh.

The final question people tend to ask me is what made me change my career choice? I always tell them that the moral nature of the mercenary remains in me but i no longer want to be one. (As much as i like the idea of being the female version of the Winter soldier). The answer to that question is simple. My friends. I went through a really ruff time about a year and a half ago, when my mercenary instincts really shone through and i didn't really care about living or dying anymore, so i thought why not be a mercenary, if i die, i die. If i live, i have money.
When i finally came out to my friends as Transgender and i was met with the most incredible response, i realized there was more to this world than cruelty and hatred. Suddenly my black and white world had the first real glimpse of colour and from their i began to change. As i began to transition, so did my views on life. It was eventually after my first girls night, which was the happiest day/night of my life, I realized i could do more good to people by talking to them, rather than pointing a gun at them.

So while i often fail at being moral and i mean REALLY fail. I try as often as i can to make the world and the people around me happier. The world has been really shitty to me, and in a way i'm thankful for it, because it's made me the person i am today.
Bri, one of the other sweethearts and one of my closest friends sent me this picture the other day;

When i saw it i fell in love with it because i related to it so much, i have struggled with anxiety for a long time, i still do but as i transitioned i focused on the positive aspects of life and gradually filled myself with colour and joy. Now i try to do the same to the world and the people around me. I try to fill their life with kindness, happiness and colour as much as i can. I'll offer to buy food for them, get them flowers when they're sick. Simple gestures on a daily basis that, i hope, make the world a better place for them. Hence why i want to be a psychologist, i hope to help the people that struggle with life see colour again.


Boy, that was a roller-coaster. From mercenaries and acts of barbarism, to my eventual moral change and helping to make the world a better place. Hopefully it makes some sense in the message i was trying to send. Just try to be kind to people and spread some love. Because who knows, it might stop someone from becoming a soulless mercenary killing machine.

Anyway, until next time, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off. 

XOXO

Hello........ It's Me XOXO

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Tis I again, i'm super tired right now. Anxiety has drained me today beyond words, i'm looking forward to a brief break during September before we go back to school in January. A break will be much appreciated, even if i don't get to see my friends for several weeks :'(

Today, as part of a School trip, a couple of the sweethearts and I went to Bethlem Royal Hospital. We were joined by a group of other students and a few teachers, the trip was more designed to show us the workings of a psychiatric hospital and how they are very much different from interpretations presented in the media through films such as "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" (brilliant film btw check it out). I, ironically, was influenced by the media and expected the hospital to be very sterile and clinical, whitewashed walls and barred windows, however, i was pleasantly surprised. I found the hospital to be very nice, marble stairs and a very peaceful atmosphere, the patients were allowed to wander around in normal clothing and were treated like human beings, not people who were ill or mentally incapable. They were treated as normal members of society.

We weren't able to go and see any of the wards personally, a fact that i am perfectly fine with because these people are not exhibits, they are people who need their privacy while the recover and become better. We were able to wander the grounds a little bit but we mainly stayed within the small museum held at the hospital.

The museum was one of the most moving places I've ever been!! It featured a lot of art, such as poetry and paintings, that had been done by patients at the hospital throughout the years. It was incredible to be able to get some incite into the minds of these people who struggled with mental illnesses and chose to express it through art. I was on the verge of crying looking at this art. Truly some of the paintings really spoke to me. As a person who has struggled with mental illnesses through most of her life a lot of these paintings spoke to me. Especially a painting by Kim Noble, a woman who struggled with Disassociative Personality Disorder.

The Painting, entitled; Coming or Going Man was painted by Kim to represent her struggle everyday. She described her normal day as waking up to find clothes in her wardrobe which she didn't buy, and to buy Groceries that she didn't want. The painting was designed to capture her sense of literally not knowing whether she was coming or going. I found it to be such a beautiful picture because of it's simplicity. I struggled with my identity for 3 years before i finally realized i was Transgender. While i don't have Disassociative Personality Disorder, the painting spoke to me about a crisis of identity and finding your place in world that struggles to understand a personality which cannot physically be seen.

The art within the museum was beautiful in every sense of the word, the picture by Kim simply had the most impact on me. The museum also featured a lot of artifacts from the history of the hospital including devices used to treat people and also padding from cells that were used to detain people in the early days of the hospital. While that was very interesting i found myself drawn to the artwork more than anything else simply because it fascinated and captivated me in every way. The beauty of a damaged mind is something that will forever keep my life bright and filled with joy. I applaud every one of those artists in that museum for their bravery and sheer creative beauty. I fell in love with art today, and it will stay with me till the day i die.

Onto the grounds of the hospital, we wandered around a little bit before we stopped for lunch and i found the grounds to be beautiful. In the summer time i imagine the grounds to be green and luscious, a very nice place for someone to wander and find peace in their thoughts. The cafeteria on sight was nice, it had a costa and a place to buy hot food that was kept to a menu that sounded delightful. The staff were very pleasant when they served me. I struggle to order food in public and make contact with cashiers because of my Anxiety. I almost had a panic attack in the Cafe, just ordering a sandwich, but the lady behind the counter was lovely and patient and i was able to order a very tasty sandwich (Panic Attack free thankfully). It was nice inside decorated with flowers kept open with windows allowing plenty of light in. It maintained a nice friendly atmosphere, welcoming strangers and patients alike, once again lacking the distinction between patients and staff, helping to maintain a nice calmed relaxed atmosphere.

My visit to Bethlem has now cemented my desire to work as a Clinical Psychiatrist. Such a beautiful hospital with lovely staff and artwork helped to re captivate my love for Psychology all over again. I intend to become a therapist to help treat these people who are no different to you or I. The hospital was beautiful, friendly and educational, helping to draw stigma away from mental health disorders and broaden peoples views on the subject matter. To anyone with any interest in psychology i whole heartedly implore you to visit Bethlem and see the museum. It was truly one of the most emotional experiences in my psychological career.

Anyway i've rambled enough for one post, so until next time, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off 

XOXO