Well Shit... - Wednesday's Child

It's been over month since any of us have updated. Wow.

Don't worry, the seven sweethearts are actually alive XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

Tis i!!! Valerie, your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual!! And it has been a criminally long time since any of us actually posted anything. Sorry about that, i guess we've all been living our lives and we forgot to post anything. But never fear, i have returned to deliver you your weekly dose of cynical crap and emotionally driven rants.

I'll start off with some positive news. I am now a fully fledged adult, that's right, i'm 18. I spent my birthday with those i care about the most and couldn't have wished for a better day!!!
In other news i have my first appointment at the Gender Clinic on Monday the 26th of October. So hopefully that will all go well and i'll be one step closer to transitioning to the woman that i am at heart.

That's about it for the positive news i'm afraid (I did my best) but i'll try to make sure that my posts are a bit more uplifting in the future.

Here's the bit that you've all been waiting for, one of my rants;
At the moment I've been a bit overwhelmed. I'm repeating year 12 in terms of my mental health by hitting a brick wall. My anxiety is going mad, because of that some minor depressive symptoms have become apparent. My Insomnia has returned and as such i have been mentally and physically fatigued and can no longer focus on school work. I've just been worrying like a mad woman!!!

And because of all this i have sort of locked myself in and just tried to tank through it... That worked about as well as you can imagine. Anyway as such i have decided to take some mental health days this week to try and recuperate because i work all weekend. This will likely result in me worrying even more because i'm not at school and thus i'll start worrying about my friends and how i can't support them at home and i'll further descend into a pit of worries and concerns.

Hopefully the mental health day will do it's job and make me feel somewhat better than i do now.

Anyway, i'm sorry for how short this post is but i'm kinda tired and i don't have much to write about in my boring life, Hopefully next week will be more eventful.

Nonetheless, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, Signing off. XOXO 

I'm not in a great place at the moment... XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

As tends to be the case with most Trans people (but not all) i intend to transition at some point in my life, i intend to physically become the woman i am inside. This, as i'm sure you know, takes a lot of time but here in the UK, it takes along time just to even get seen.

Today i'm going to just purely vent emotion because, well, i'm broken at the moment...

I've been waiting around 13 months to receive and appointment at a Gender Clinic here in London. I have yet to receive a date. However, two days ago i received some letters and forms in the mail. I eagerly read the letters and filled out the forms so i could send them off the very next day. Well i guess in a state of overwhelming joy i must not have read the letters fully or only seen what i wanted to see. Last night i re read my letter from the clinic. Figured i may as well what harm could it do right?

"We are sorry to have to advise you that at present our waiting times for appointments, from receipt of referral, are 13 months"

The letter I received two days ago was to confirm they had received my referral. That means, if my understanding of the wording is correct, i will have to wait for at least another year before i am seen by a specialist. Before somebody even begins to look at me!! I simply do not know if i can cope with that anymore.I'm confused, angry, upset. But most of all i'm numb. I almost expected something like this would happen. It was to good to be true, the thought of me transitioning now...

But wait, there's more. "Please be advised that due to a backlog there may be further delays in receiving and appointment date" More waiting then? Another thirteen months of daily dysphoria!! That shit nearly broke me during the last round, now your telling me that i have to go for round 2!!

I've made an appointment with my Dr to make sure my understanding is correct and, should it be correct, to try and get some form of support to help me cope with another 13 months of misery.

So in summary, I've waited a year to receive any hint of an appointment. As soon as there is a glimmer of hope, a hint of happiness... I am told that i may have to wait another year before i am seen.

In summary of me personally, struggling to cope, emotionally numb, indifferent and running on autopilot. My cravings for strawberries continues... And i could really use a long hug.

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, broken and signing off

XOXO

It's been a hell of a month - Lollie

Hello internet people, welcome back - at long last!

I'm sat in the sun relaxing around the pool at my villa in Cyprus when I suddenly realise - I haven't written a blog post in a month. I desperately scrabble for my phone and download the blogger app and I'm tapping away, trying to cram all my adventures that I've had in the past month into one post that isn't too boring and isn't too long - and damn it's hard! 

Let's start it off with an apology. I promised a How to Comic Con post that never happened. I'm very sorry for that. 

Then, moving on - lets actually talk about comic con - LFCC (London Film and Comic Con). It's actually been a month since I stood in Olympia and finally felt like I'd come home. 

Friday before the event was spent at school, desperately printing off schedules and maps and train times and trying to get myself organised. 

At the beginning of the day, (which started around 5:30am), Payton's wonderful Nan took us to the station so we could catch an earlier train so we could get to the venue at an earlier time and when we got to the station, we discovered there was a signalling problem which meant there were no trains running to London until 8, which was not early enough. Me being me, I was panicking and then, a lovely couple approached and asked if we were going to LFCC, we said yes and they offered to share a taxi with them to a nearer station to get a train to London. After checking it was okay with Payton's nan, we all got into the taxi and went to another station. We rode the train and tube with the couple all the way to LFCC as we had no idea how to get there on our own. We parted with them as we entered the queue and it was at this moment, my excitement hit its peak for the first time that day.
All around us were people in cosplay of all different kinds; anime, doctor who, back to the future and more. I looked down at my own cosplay, a fem 11 cosplay that I was pretty proud of and then I looked around me. There were so many brilliant Doctor Who cosplays that I couldn't even begin to compete with, but still, I smiled and I got excited every time the queue moved up.
We got inside the venue at around 10:15am and we made our way to the photoshoot booth to see if Payton could get on with Lea Thompson, sadly they had all sold out. I then bumped into a Clara cosplayer who I had briefly spoken too on Twitter the night before. We posed for a picture together and then I went off to have my photoshoot with Harry Treadaway from Penny Dreadful. I had never been to a photoshoot before so this was also another exciting moment for me.
I approached Harry and he smiled at me, we exchanged British plesentaries (Hello, how are you?, it's nice to meet you etc) and I posed for the picture, my sonic screwdriver pointed at the camera, thanked him and then walked away. I picked up my bag and was on such a high I walked past the picture collection - luckily the lady pulled me back. I waited for my picture and when it came out, it was blurry! "are you happy with this or would you like it done again?" She asked. I'm sorry but there was no way I was going to miss an opportunity to have another photo with him. So  this time, I got Harry to hold the sonic and the picture was awesome, we said goodbye and that was it.

Me and Payton then wandered around the venue for a while, exploring the stalls - I brought Two figures of The Master. 

During the wandering, i found so many awesome cosplayers that I stopped to get photos with (Payton took them all and I thank her for that). Turns out I'm actually now friends with most of them and we Skype and talk regularly.  

We also spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to find the third floor...

Payton and I then went to get her ticket to meet Lea and then we wandered around some more and went to the top floor to meet Reeve Carney.

I got Reeve's autograph and we had a lovely chat and a hug. He is one of the nicest people I've met. He was so humble and he also complimented my cosplay which was brilliant! 

We then went to meet Lea Thompson and Payton must have been the only one there that didn't meet her because of Back To The Future - none the less, Lea was lovely and posed for photos and chatted to her for quite a while.

After this, we rushed to meet Catherine Tate. It was a photoshoot and we stood waiting outside for about ten minutes, there were crowds of people waiting as well. As we were waiting, I spotted a cosplayer that I'd seen online for a while. His name is Matt Elliot and he is an 11 cosplayer who has a striking resemblance to Matt Smith. We were called in batch by batch and then I was finally our turn. I was shaking as I approached her and I said hello and asked her to hold my sonic. We posed for a photo and then I collected it and left. 

Payton and I waited outside the photo booth area so I could get a picture with Matt Elliot and while we were waiting, I bumped into a cosplayer that I had had a picture with earlier that day. His name was Mickey and he introduced me to his other friends, one of which was Melissa. Melissa and I talk all the time now and she's actually coming to stay in Essex for a weekend in October so we can attended MCM London! I'm very excited. 

I met Matt Elliot and he complimented my cosplay (I died because he's my favourite 11 cosplayer).

Catherine Tate was actually rather rude. She hardly spoke, the picture she took, she doesn't look like she cares, she refused to hug people and she had the least enthusiasm of anyone I met that day. This made me sad because, even though I shouldn't, I now associate her character of Donna with her being not very pleasant towards me an other fans. 

After Catherine Tate, we went back up to the top floor and I went to talk to Harry Treadaway. We had a brilliant conversation and I got a bit nervous but he reassured me it was okay and to breath and start again and I did. We spoke about Penny Dreadful and acting and performing arts and then we said goodbye and we left. 

We then went to the second floor for the last thing of the day - the penny dreadful panel, with Reeve Carney and Harry Treadaway. The panel was amazing - I met a lovely Dreadful (penny dreadful fan) and we sat together and watched the panel. Both of us got to ask our questions to Harry and Reeve, also, when they both answered my question, they looked directly at me the whole time they were answering it. Reeve also kept staring at me during the panel and I have a picture of him looking at me.

The question I asked was: do you feel that you and your characters share any traits, like the way the act or dress? (When I said dress, Harry looked at Reeve and laughed)

Harry: yeah because I'm a drug addict and I can bring people back from the dead *laughs* no, I think victor... I feel more intelligent when playing him

Reeve: I feel like Dorian has this... This placidity to him - placidity is that the right word? Placidity? Calmness, I think he's laid back and I think that's what I share with him and yeah.. Clothes

After the panel, we went home and although I was sweaty and tired and my feet ached - the day had gone so well and it was amazing! 

LFCC aside, I started a two week work placement at an accountant. I worked 8 days and got £200 for it! 

I went up to London to the Alexander McQueen fashion exhibition at the V&A with Summer which was so fun and such an eye opener. McQueen's outfits and collections are just mind blowing! We also had a wander round London and basically spent the day being tourists. We went to the TARDIS outside Earl's Court station, Trafalgar Square, the mall, outside Buckingham palace, St James' Park, Pimlico, Oxford Street and Forbidden Planet. It was a VERY good day - tiring but brilliant.

On the 8th of August, for my birthday, Summer and I went to see Three Days in the Country starring John Simm, Mark Gatiss and Amanda Drew. Now, John Simm is my favourite actor so seeing him live on stage was pretty surreal and then something even more surreal happened.

I met John Simm.

After 8 years of waiting, watching his programmes, his films and interviews etc and finally, he was infront of me, not on the stage acting or playing guitar, not passing me in the street - actually there and it was just as I had hoped. He was lovely, so humble and kind. I would go on but, I could literally go on and on and on and on. I was shaking for up to an hour afterwards with the adrenaline and happiness running through me.

Then after the trips to London was the escapade that lead me and Summer to Cyprus. The journey was long but fun and now we only have a week left until we have to go back to England and the. A week after that until Sixth Form starts again.

Sixth form - As results... Let's not talk about those. I'm just going to say my results now mean I have to reconsider going to University at the end of Year 13.

Overall, it's been a pretty crazy and fun month full of meeting new people, experiencing new things, talking to existing people and just having a great time! 

I know this has just been an update post and it's not what I promised but... Enjoy it anyway! 

Until Next Time, Allons-y!

Lollie xx

Not ranting for once, i just want to share some really cool experiences I've had XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries, 

I'm a Trans woman, as i'm sure you all know, that means i have the body of a man, no boobs and no Womb. I will be able to grow boobs through the use of hormones but with current medical standings i will never have a womb, it would likely kill me due to transplant rejection, plus no cervix so i can't give birth anyway.

So with that in mind, BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE HUMAN MIND!! My brain has given me what i can only define as 'Phantom Boobs'. Since beginning my transition to a woman i have begun wearing a bra and then using implant things to give my chest shape. I guess through this my brain has been conditioned to associate my chest as having secondary sex characteristics. Even though i can look down and see i have no boobs my brain is having non of it.

Story time!! The other night i was getting ready for bed, i was ready to sleep but i couldn't find a top. I thought to myself, "Eh no biggy, i'll just sleep without a top." So i was settling down but i couldn't sleep. Without a top i felt somewhat exposed. I couldn't shake this feeling that i needed a top. So i went hunting for one downstairs and as i crept downstairs so as not to wake anyone, i found myself instinctively clutching my chest as if to cover my boobs. Once i got the top and was in bed again, i realized that my brain has given me 'Phantom Boobs'!! I think this is one of the most incredible things ever. When i used to live as a man, i had built up all of these mental barriers to shut out any form of femininity. Now that i am openly transitioning my mind has, in a sense, evolved and adapted to become the woman i am. Incredibly my mind has changed itself to match these feelings of femininity!! If you don't think that's incredible then i don't know what is?

On top of my 'Phantom Boobs' I've also been told that i can have mental periods, if you will. Science and psychology have proven that People like me (Male-to-Female Transsexuals) Have the brain chemistry and make up as that of a biological woman. (See the link for wiki article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism) Now through experience and from talking to other Trans Women it seems that we can at times get PMS style symptoms (Boobs get sore, mood swings etc.) Due to the fact that we lack a womb are symptoms do not follow a cycle. In my experience they can come at anytime of the month but they follow the same characteristics of that of a biological woman.
I've been told that this may be due to hormonal imbalances similarly to that of a biological woman. I've also been told that what i'm experiencing may be a form of defense mechanism, as my mind tries to cope with a masculine body that doesn't match my "perceived" gender it will cause cramps and emotional swings while trying to simulate the periods of natal women. Either way it's awesome, i get to have a style of period that eases my dysphoria!!

I wanted to share these experience with you because, from an aspiring psychologists point of view, this stuff is incredibly interesting and i intend to look into this stuff more over the next month.

Anyway, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off 

XOXO

Results day sorrow and stuff XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non Binaries,

So over here in the UK today was what effectively can be defined as 'Judgement day'. Collectively across the country Year 12 and Year 13 students traveled to their school to collect their A-Level grades. For the year 12's this would decree which subjects they continued to study and how they planned to move forward with their present results. For the Year 13's this day would decree which University they go into or were they would move into the world as fully fledged adults.
Basically the most terrifying day for many students up and down the country.

As is common with days such as this one, there were people jumping for joy and people who were upset with their results. I was one of the latter people. I was not entirely sad with the grades i got. I do have the option to resit my exams if i feel them to be abysmally bad. However, the one emotion that seemed to fill me was guilt. I feel as though i do not deserve the grades i got. There are many more people who deserve the grade i got, yet somehow i was the one to receive it. I did not put in as much effort as the rest of my friends yet still i got such a good grade. I don't deserve it...

Of course as much as our parents or our schools may say it, bad results are not the end of the world. Far from it in fact. Should you be in year 12 then you can resit the exams, you'll have to pay but i assure you the cost is worth it. Should you be in year 13 then you can look at colleges or night schools, grades can be improved and their are more qualifications to be gained. Perhaps your life has not turned out as was initially planned but things can be worked upon, if there's one thing life has taught me it's that things rarely go according to plan.

As hypocritical as this statement is, please don't resort to drink or anything along those lines. Because as bad as your results may be, drowning your sorrows is far worse. You can improve on your grades and your qualifications. Plenty of celebrities and famous entrepreneurs had a rocky start and didn't do well in school, now look at them. Multi millionaires and living the dream!!! So if your not happy work at it. Improve upon what you deem to be your "Failures" and make the best out of next year.

Lord know i failed hard this year!! But i'll be damned if i don't work hard at these grades and improve them to the best of my ability. I feel pretty bad about my results yeah, but i'm not gonna let it hold me back from moving forward and improving upon them. Give up now and you'll never get to were you want to be.

So results day may be a shitty time of the year for most people, but we face it, we deal with it (not through the use of alcohol or anything like that, believe me it doesn't help) and then we move on to greener pastures as is the way with life.

Anyway keeping it short this week, this is your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual, signing off XOXO

Today I fucked up... XOXO

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binaries,

As the title states, Today i fucked up. Today, for the first time in a while, i got overwhelmed. I like to think of myself as a big girl who can give as good as she get's but i sort of crumbled to today. I spent the most part of my afternoon slowly drowning my sorrows and then napping followed by drowning my sorrows some more. 

Surprisingly i didn't cry, normally i would but the tears didn't come... strange. Nothing major has even happened in my life. There was no death in the family or in my close friends. I've had a fairly happy week to be honest, but i crumbled. My dysphoria absolutely destroyed me, and i guess as a result everything else kicked in... 

I tend to preach a lot about ignoring body consciousness. I preach about being proud of yourself, loving you for you and ignoring what people say. I guess it's because at the root of it all i can't stand to see it happen to people when everyday of my life is ruled by disgust in my own body. I can't stand to look in a mirror because it cripples me... To see my broad shoulders and my flat, masculine figure. It fills me with what i can only describe as anguish. I try to make myself look more feminine with every passing day. I put implants into my bra, i blend makeup to get rid of my facial hair. Hell i even tried to 'tuck' the other day just to feel more feminine. I've waited over a year for a referral to see a gender specialist and i managed to get a reply back in early July-June, they wanted some forms and blood samples which i happily filled out and was straight in to get my bloods taken. I was worried because the time frame to reply to the referral was so short, but i had faith that it would be sent off and i would have a reply before August... Well it's august and still no reply, I went to the doctors for more blood tests and the form still hadn't been sent off. The deadline had been missed and now i await for the reply "You have missed the deadline, please re-submit a referral form and wait to hear from your GP." 
I'll be brutally honest here folks, i don't know if i can make it through another year of waiting for a referral? I live as a woman but it's a miserable existence at that. I might put on my makeup and wear female clothes. I might shave my legs and i might wear a bra and underwear but every time i look down... i see a chest with no boobs. Every time is shower, i have to be reminded that i am in fact a man. 
As a cis person, you live in certainty. You wake up every day and you have these fixed criteria in your life. You know that your either a brother or a sister, a son or a daughter, a mother or a father. I don't have that certainty, i don't know if i'll be a mother? That's what kills me the most inside... I don't know if i'll ever be a mother. I don't know if i'll ever be able to look into the eyes of my future wife and share the knowledge that i have a child and that i am a mother. I think at this point i'd hit the whiskey...

I then moved onto not really giving a shit about myself anymore. I started to worry about my friends. I share this blog with six other incredible women. Girls that took me in without question. They accepted me as one of the Girls and for that i can never repay them!! These girls make me feel good about myself in a world that is hell bent on driving me out because I try to be who I am. 
That's why i care about them so much. That's why i worry about them so much. I've seen some stuff in my time, stuff that no person should ever have to endure yet time and time again i see my friends suffer. I guess that's why i fight so hard to keep them happy. Because i know how the story ends, and that's not how i want it to end for them. 
I know that one of my friends has depression and as a result she has varying other illnesses as a result of comorbidity. I know that one of my friends has issues regarding family and possibly self-consciousness. I deliberate haven't named names for privacy reasons but you get my point. I've seen this happen before and i guess i'm scared for what might happen... I need these girls more than i need air and if i could trade my small amount of happiness in exchange for their suffering than i'd do it in a heartbeat. Because those girls deserve happiness more than anything in the world. Because they gave this Woman a glimmer of hope.

So i guess what i'm trying to say is i had a somewhat drunken realization that caused my mind to sort of collapse for a couple of hours. Anyway, my head is telling me my mistakes and based on the fact i have work tomorrow i sort of want to curl up and never come out, ever!! But i already came out once (Badum tss) so i guess i can do it again. 

P.S morale of the story is don't drown your sorrows because in the end, they'll drown you right back as you can probably tell by this post. 

Anyway, this is Your Friendly Neighborhood Transsexual reminding you, Please drink responsibly etc.

XOXO